Crypto’s Wild Week: Memecoin Face Tattoos, SBF’s Trump Plea & Bitcoin Refusing To Die

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  1. 1. A very chipper Chinese mining CEO has declared his company can survive Bitcoin crashing to $30k without flogging off all their holdings, which is the kind of confidence I have right before I burn a batch of cookies and order a takeaway. 27 minutes ago, for what it’s worth, which is probably less than his company’s value if he’s wrong.
  2. 2. The Humanity Protocol token just nosedived 80% after a $32 million private key hack, which is exactly the kind of security nightmare that makes me want to hide all my money in a jam jar under my bed instead of in anything that calls itself a “decentralized protocol”. 28 minutes ago, obviously.
    28 minutes ago
  3. 3. Deep dive into crypto’s memecoin underworld reveals people are getting permanent forehead tattoos and doing shot after shot for these stupid coins, which is the kind of life choice that makes me glad my biggest dumb decision this week was eating a whole pizza for dinner. 6 hours ago, unsurprisingly.
    6 hours ago
  4. 4. That same influential research firm that single-handedly crashed every AI stock last week is now calling Hyperliquid a “compelling” idea, which is exactly the kind of hot take I’d trust as much as I trust my flatmate’s dating advice after three glasses of pinot grigio. 10 hours ago, for the record.
    10 hours ago
  5. 5. Live updates confirm Bitcoin is hovering above $63k after Strategy dropped another $100 million on more BTC, which is the kind of flex that makes my weekly grocery shop feel like I’m living the high life. 12 hours ago, if you care, which I half do, half think I should just log off and go for a walk in the park instead.
    12 hours ago
  6. 6. Sam Bankman-Fried has formally asked Trump for a presidential pardon, which is the most chaotic energy I’ve seen all week, and that’s saying something considering I watched a bloke try to fight a parking meter for stealing his spot on Saturday. 13 hours ago, obviously.
    13 hours ago
  7. 7. Ledger’s CTO is out here saying the EU’s brutal compliance rules are killing Web3 innovation, which is exactly the kind of boring admin nonsense that makes me glad my only compliance headache at work is not stealing too many Post-its from the stationery cupboard. 13 hours ago, for the record.
    13 hours ago
  8. 8. The Aave boss is defending his protocol’s “resilience” after an $8.45 billion bank run, which is the kind of spin I’d use if I ate an entire packet of chocolate digestives and tried to tell my mum I’d only had one. 14 hours ago, naturally.
    14 hours ago
  9. 9. 10xResearch says we should blame Bitcoin’s recent dip on rising inflation, not Strategy, which is exactly the kind of take I’d have after I lost a £20 note down the back of the sofa and tried to blame it on the cat. 14 hours ago, obviously.
    14 hours ago
  10. 10. CoinDesk 20 update shows NEAR is up 12.3% and almost all assets are trading higher, which is nice, I guess? Though I still have no clue what NEAR actually is, and at this point I’m too embarrassed to ask. 16 hours ago, for what it’s worth.
    16 hours ago

The Pre-IPO Perpetuals Category Takes Shape

The Pre-IPO Perpetuals Category Takes Shape

Binance kicked off these bizarre Pre-IPO perpetuals back on May 21, and within literal days they’d snapped up over 60% of the entire category. Total cumulative volume is hovering around $400 million right now, and SPACEX is sat on 79% of that, which I’m assuming is Elon’s latest side hustle, because of course it is.

By CoinDesk Research
May 29, 2026

Binance launched Pre-IPO perpetuals May 21. Within days, it captured >60% category share; cumulative volume now ~$400M, with SPACEX dominating at 79%. (I still have no idea what any of this actually does, if I’m being completely honest, but it sounds important, probably.)

Why it matters:

Well, apparently if you’re the kind of person who wants to bet on companies before they’ve even bothered to list on the stock market, this is the new hotness. Or if you’re the kind of person who enjoys losing all your savings to a new crypto product no one’s bothered to regulate, same difference, really. Binance launched Pre-IPO perpetuals May 21. Within days, it captured >60% category share; cumulative volume now ~$400M, with SPACEX dominating at 79%.

View Full Report (if you have nothing better to do with your afternoon, like I clearly don’t, seeing as I’m reading about this).

That Research Firm That Crashed AI Stocks Last Week Calls Hyperliquid A “Compelling” Idea (Sure It Is)

Bitcoin’s Back Above $63k After Strategy Dropped Another $100 Million On BTC (Flex Much?)

Ledger’s CTO Says EU Compliance Costs Are Choking Web3 Innovation (Boring Admin Strikes Again)

Read More

2026-06-09 08:23