Allison Holker's Memoir Drops Bombshells: Inside Her Life with tWitch & More

So you think you know Allison Holker‘s journey?

In her recently published memoir titled “This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light”, released on February 4th, the star from “So You Think You Can Dance” shares insights about her career, her bond with her husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss, his tragic suicide in 2022, and their journey as a family – Weslie (16), Maddox (8), and Zaia (5) – toward healing.

Allison confessed that she grappled with the decision to reveal personal details about Stephen’s life that he had chosen to keep hidden from public view.

She expressed that she found it challenging to decide how much to reveal about Stephen’s last months, as his story belonged to him and he was protective of it during his lifetime. Yet, she wished that her readers might empathize with her need to write about the experience.

She made it clear that her purpose in writing the book was solely to share her personal story and experiences with Stephen, with the aim of helping others. Similar to yourself, she admitted that she never fully understood the events, and even as she tries to piece things together, she’ll never truly know all the details. This statement was posted on her Instagram Story on January 8th.

To everyone who has read the book, she added, “I trust it’s clear that I aim to honor the affection and life we experienced together with Stephen and our wonderful kids. Additionally, I want to shed light on the intricate facets of both our lives, the beautiful as well as the challenging.

In hindsight, I recognize that several individuals in my circle believed it would have been wiser for me to keep that experience private.

On January 7th, Courtney Ann Platt (a contestant from season four and seven of So You Think You Can Dance, alongside Stephen and Allison) expressed on Instagram that she found the book to be extremely tacky, thoughtless, and motivated purely by opportunity.

Stephen’s brother Drè Rose and mother Connie Boss Alexander spoke out as well.

On Instagram, the mother expressed her deep disgust towards the false and harmful statements being spread about her son, Stephen Boss. The articles that have been published recently contain nothing but lies. As his mom, I can’t stay silent regarding these allegations. We won’t just stand by while his reputation and good name are damaged.

Yet, in her posting, Allison conveyed that she thinks, “Given the chance, Stephen would prefer his tale to be shared if doing so could save a single life.

For this purpose, Alison has vowed to contribute the earnings from her memoir towards Move with Kindness, the mental health charity she founded in memory of Stephen.

After that, she plans to continue with her life, as she has relocated her children to a fresh residence post-Stephen’s passing, and has also found herself in a new relationship with Adam Edmunds.

In the preface of her book, she penned, “I won’t allow his choice to dictate the entire course of my life.” Instead, she emphasized, “I’ve journeyed this far, with many more achievements yet to come.

Keep reading to see the revelations she shared.

In the memoir “This Far“, Allison Holker reminisced about her time when she abandoned her church in high school and faced criticism from her community.

She penned, “I felt I was a wretched individual, unworthy of God’s love.” The traumatic event at seventeen seemed to reinforce this belief.

Allison chose not to disclose the specifics of the incident but mentioned that its repercussions affected every aspect of her life.

She also shared an inner voice that berated her, saying it was divine retribution for her religious abandonment. “This was a grave misjudgment,” she now realizes, “an affront to God.”

Desiring to move past the incident, Allison opted to keep it hidden. Looking back, she wishes she had taken action. She expressed empathy and understanding towards those in similar predicaments who fear speaking up. She hopes that by airing her regrets, she might encourage others to assert themselves.

Allison recently elaborated on her experience during an interview on the January 27 episode of “The Jamie Kern Lima Show“. “I was manipulated by an older man,” she disclosed, “who exploited the vulnerability that women often experience, particularly in the dance community where we reverence our teachers and trust them blindly. Dance can be quite physical and even sexual, even at a young age. That vulnerability was abused.

Allison and Stephen “tWitch” Boss both appeared on different seasons of So You Think You Can Dance, with Allison in season two and tWitch in season four. They returned for season seven in 2010, but it was not during this time that they first met. Instead, they encountered each other five years prior at a party hosted by one of Allison’s dance partners from season two, Ivan Koumaev. It wasn’t until tWitch introduced himself as Stephen Boss that Allison became interested in him. However, she initially found his appearance to be too extravagant for her taste, with fishnet tops, multiple piercings, and a dyed mohawk. This was a bit too much for Allison, a girl from Utah, to handle at first.

In the early stages of their relationship, it was at a memorable encounter that Allison and Stephen began dating – they “officially became a couple” during the season seven wrap party for So You Think You Can Dance. Reflecting on this moment, she recounted how Stephen was part of a dance troupe for the opening act of the Glee Live! In Concert tour. During one of his performances in Dublin, they were exploring the arena when things heated up.

“We found ourselves unexpectedly on the scaffolding above the stage,” she reminisced in This Far. “We started kissing, and it quickly escalated into something passionate. We almost got caught by a security guard who suddenly appeared, shone his flashlight near us, and asked, ‘Who’s up there?’ We managed to suppress our laughter until the coast was clear, then we hurriedly dressed and re-entered the crowd.

In 2013, Allison and Stephen got married, with Weslie (born in 2008) from Allison’s previous relationship and Maddox (born in 2016) and Zaia (born in 2019) completing their family. Their social media posts provided glimpses into their lives, showcasing everything from dance parties and Halloween costumes to their daily home life.

However, Allison felt that social media might have added stress to Stephen as the years passed. She wrote, “He had this idea that we should always appear as a perfect family, which was unattainable.”

Allison believes the consistent praise for Stephen’s upbeat personality created pressure for him. “As his popularity soared, he couldn’t step out in public without being praised for his happiness, kindness, and positive vibes,” she wrote. “I imagine it must have been draining for him.”

Despite this, Allison emphasized that the joyful moments portrayed in their videos were authentic. “Stephen was traversing a complex emotional terrain,” she added. “He moved between genuine joy and deep sadness, switching as if his emotions were a dimmer switch.

After 19 seasons, the Ellen DeGeneres Show came to an end in May 2022, a bittersweet moment for Stephen who served as both DJ and later executive producer. He felt sad about leaving his second home but saw it as an opportunity to let go of his deejay role and venture into new, more ambitious projects. Although he wished to take Ellen’s place and become the host, discussions with the network didn’t lead anywhere, leaving him somewhat disappointed.

Despite being busy with multiple projects, this change in Stephen’s routine brought about a significant shift. For nine years, the show had provided his days with structure and rhythm. No longer bound by a schedule, he found himself spending more time alone, exploring darker thoughts that had previously been suppressed while playing the happy-go-lucky character of tWitch on a daily basis. These repressed emotions started to surface.

Stephen also became more irritable, struggled with sleep, and lost interest in work, socializing with friends, and participating in activities he once enjoyed. According to Allison, this change was not unexpected as they had been preparing for it.

Drawing from Allison’s book, I embarked on a journey to delve into the world of ayahuasca, a powerful plant-based brew known for inducing profound introspection and vivid hallucinations. The purpose behind my decision was to confront the burdens of parenthood, grapple with the void left by absent father figures in my life, and address feelings of abandonment that had lingered within me.

However, my journey didn’t unfold as planned, and I found myself cutting it short with a friend picking me up prematurely. As Allison wrote, a recommended duration for such experiences spans three to seven days, followed by weeks of guidance from the shaman. Instead, I returned home after less than 12 hours, plunging back into my work routine.

Unfortunately, this hasty return may have worsened the situation. As Allison pointed out, ayahuasca can intensify underlying mental health issues if not handled with care. In essence, it can bring those issues to a head, especially without close supervision.

Reflecting on my experience as a former contestant on “Dancing With the Stars,” I can’t help but notice a change in Stephen. His energy seemed different post-ayahuasca; it was no longer joyful or generous. Instead, it felt like he woke up every day on the wrong side of the bed, radiating an agitation that wasn’t directed at others, but simply permeated his demeanor. He wasn’t angry or mean, just constantly restless.

In “This Far,” Allison disclosed her discoveries about Stephen’s suspected drug habits.

She admitted that he used marijuana, but she was unaware that Stephen was frequently under the influence. She would secretly smoke on the set of Ellen, and to the best of her knowledge, this was a hidden truth.

After his death in December 2022, while sorting through his belongings for his wake, she found more than just shoes. “I stumbled upon a trove of psychedelic mushrooms,” she wrote. “Some bags were full; some were half-empty; others contained only one or two mushrooms. There were other substances I had to look up on my phone. It was like finding a treasure trove of drugs. I was shocked.”

An autopsy reported by TopMob News in May 2023 showed that Stephen had no trace of drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of his demise.

Three days before Stephen took his own life at the age of 40 on Dec. 13, 2022, he and Allison celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary with a trip to Laguna Beach, California.

During their weekend away, they talked about expanding their family, bought a sculpture as a shared memento, and she played for him a song she wrote titled “Better Together.” He reciprocated by giving her a black Prada suit.

Now, Allison ponders, “The thoughts keep coming. Could the black Prada suit he gave me be for a suitable outfit at his funeral? And if it was, was it a final act of romance from a hopeless romantic or just a sign of how disturbed he truly was?

In the book I penned, I recount the fateful day when Stephen and his children last crossed paths with me. That day, upon returning home from Maddox’s school, I found Stephen conversing with our assistants and nannies before driving Weslie to class.

As we were leaving, I called out, “See you. Love you,” a phrase that now lingers in my memory. I didn’t even take the time for a proper goodbye.

After grabbing coffee from Starbucks, Stephen dropped Weslie off at school and told her, “I wish I could have been your Superman.” An unusual statement, but one Weslie dismissed as just another of Dad’s peculiar moments. They exchanged their customary ‘I love you’ before he drove away from the school lot. That day would mark the last time I saw him alive.

Later that day, Stephen failed to meet me at the gym or office as we had planned. He still responded to messages about a video shoot scheduled for the next day. In the afternoon, I noticed his car in our driveway but soon realized he wasn’t home.

As days passed and Stephen didn’t show up as expected, I tried contacting him in vain—leaving me no choice but to reach out to his assistant, brother, friends, and hospitals, eventually filing a missing persons report.

However, the police later informed me that Stephen had taken his own life on December 13, 2022. The news hit me like a wild animal, its scream tearing through my being.

As a lifestyle expert, I’d put it this way: In January 2023, I held a memorial service for Stephen, a close friend. The service was a delicate matter, as there were disagreements with his family regarding certain aspects, such as the open casket they desired. To maintain Stephen’s privacy and prevent any unauthorized sharing of images or videos, I arranged for a small group of family members to view the open casket before it was closed to everyone else. My lawyers advised me to have everyone who viewed the casket sign a nondisclosure agreement, which understandably caused some frustration among his family. The following day, we held a traditional funeral and a Celebration of Life event, where esteemed personalities like Ellen DeGeneres, Loni Love, and Wayne Brady were among the speakers at the February memorial.

In August 2023, Drè Rose, Stephen’s brother, posted a worried message on social media expressing concern about the treatment of their mother and family, which had been causing them significant worry.

Notably, Drè mentioned in his Instagram post that this issue appeared to originate from the family’s disagreement with the initial terms of the Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) presented for signing.

Furthermore, Dré pointed out that Weslie, Maddox, and Zaia’s interactions with Stephen’s relatives had been restricted.

In her book, Allison admitted she discovered that members of Stephen’s family were criticizing her on social media for her handling of the funeral, for the NDAs, and for not attending a Boss family reunion she hadn’t even been invited to. However, she stated that she made an effort to understand and empathize with a woman who had given birth to the love of her life.

Allison also denied the claim that she was keeping the children from them, explaining that she flew Stephen’s mother from Arizona to California and back for a Grandparents’ Day event at school, facilitated FaceTime calls between the kids and their grandmother, and even sent photos.

Lastly, Allison accused someone in Stephen’s family of blaming her for his death, but later they apologized, and she forgave them. However, she said that those words would never be forgotten.

In the book “This Far“, Allison mentioned that she read Stephen’s journal following his passing. Some of the entries hinted at sexual abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of an adult male, a secret he had shared confidentially with his friend. This friend revealed their conversation to Allison only after Stephen had passed away.

Despite their high-profile dance career, numerous endorsements, and online popularity, people often thought Stephen and Allison were financially secure. However, Allison clarified in her book that this wasn’t the case. She revealed that Stephen had given away large amounts of money, squandered funds on drugs and peculiar art pieces, and left her with a million-dollar tax bill upon his death. The financial burden from these obligations drained their accounts.

Additionally, Allison disclosed that Stephen’s suicide resulted in breach of contract with certain business partners, leading to some brands terminating their collaborations with her. She also had to catch up on outstanding bills.

However, Allison seemed to address accusations suggesting she was merely capitalizing on the book by stating, “All proceeds from this book will be donated to the mental health-focused foundation I established in Stephen’s memory, Move With Kindness.” Her aim is to prevent further tragedies like Stephen’s suicide. On January 8, 2025, she shared this intention on her Instagram Stories.

After Stephen passed away, Allison has felt as if his spirit lingers around her – even in her dreams. In one dream two days following his death, she described it as a slideshow of memories before everything went dark. Upon waking, she was shaken and the room seemed to move around her. A face appeared like the moon in the night sky, transforming into three faces, with only one familiar to her – Stephen’s. He spoke softly, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

Following this dream, Allison felt a sense of peace wash over her. She penned down in ‘This Far’, “‘My beloved husband is no longer with me physically, but for the first time since his passing, I could feel his presence.’ As I whispered, ‘Thank you, my love,’ he comforted me.

In her book, Allison candidly shared that her feelings towards her late husband are complex and conflicting. She wrote about feeling sadness for his untimely departure as he was an outstanding individual who made a positive impact on those around him. Yet, she acknowledged the effect his decision had on their lives.

Throughout the book, Allison admitted to experiencing anger towards how Stephen died while continuing to cherish memories of him. She cautioned against romanticizing someone who has taken their own life and emphasized that it’s possible to loathe the act yet retain deep affection for the person who carried it out.

Allison noted that it’s essential for her to move forward, stating that she no longer communicates with Stephen as she did in the first year after his passing. She feels free from the emotional bondage that once held her and the children captive, although she still believes he watches over them, providing comfort. However, she now trusts herself more and sees a clearer path forward.

2025-02-06 01:50

Allison Holker’s Memoir Drops Bombshells: Inside Her Life with tWitch & More

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