Billionaire Ex-Binance Boss Spills Tea on Prison Drama and Juicy WSJ Conspiracy 🍵💅

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Weight: 60 billion dollars (approx., not counting prison meals)

Cigarettes smoked: 0
Alcohol units: 0 (v.g.)
Prison stories shared: several (could do better)

📱 12:00 pm – Ugh! WSJ at it again with their silly little “sources.” Darlings, if you’re going to write fiction, at least make it entertaining! They’re claiming I’m going all snitch-mode on Justin Sun. As if! 🙄

📱 12:15 pm – Must remember: prison fashion was absolutely dreadful. Orange is definitely NOT the new black. Also, if I were actually cooperating with gov (which obvs not), would have worn Gucci, not prison jumpsuit.

v. v. annoyed with WSJ. They seem to have forgotten basic math: cooperation = no prison. Me = did prison time. Therefore, obvious conclusion: no cooperation. Even Bridget Jones could work that out! 🤔

Number of billions still in bank account: 60 (quite good)
Number of people allegedly paying WSJ to write mean things: several (v. bad)

Justin Sun (dear sweet boy, bless him) being absolutely adorable, calling me mentor and friend. Though must remember to tell him that crypto-guru-chic look is so 2021. 💁‍♂️

Note to self: Some people apparently “lobbying” against us in US. Again. V. tiresome. Must remember to send them all virtual hugs and maybe some crypto etiquette books. 📚

Later: Discovered am wealthiest person to do prison time in US. Not sure whether to put on CV or not. Would look quite impressive at dinner parties though. 🤔 Must consult PR team.

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2025-04-13 17:25