I Chose Life

by

For seventeen days after she fell into a coma due to a severe brain hemorrhage in January 2020, Clemency Burton-Hill – the broadcaster, writer, and classical music lover – experienced a powerful vision. This was not just any dream, but an otherworldly encounter.

According to her, it was an undeniably genuine, profoundly authentic encounter I’ve ever experienced when these peculiar tiny creatures appeared before me, and they presented me with a choice.

She faced a dilemma: either join them for tranquility, bidding farewell to her cherished family who were assuredly well, or return to her husband and sons, along with the familiarity of her daily life, but at the cost of great difficulty.

At age 38, Burton-Hill decided to return – to her loved ones, to everyday living, and to a life that was still unknown to hold challenges. In time, she would open her eyes to discover Eddie Redmayne, an actor, standing by her side in a New York hospital room.

Although it might seem unexpected, don’t let yourself be drawn away by Eddie Redmayne’s surprise appearance. They, Burton-Hill and Redmayne, have been friends since their days at Cambridge University – it makes sense, given that both graduated there – with Burton-Hill earning a double first in English and Redmayne graduating with a 2:1 in Art History.

Instead, shall we talk about the vision – or a scientific explanation for it?

She explains that she doesn’t consider herself an atheist; instead, she identifies as more of an agnostic. Although she acknowledges our understanding of the universe primarily comes from scientific reasoning, there are certain aspects we haven’t been able to verify or refute using science. She goes on to describe a profound experience that felt incredibly real, even though she doesn’t know what it represents or what it means. Essentially, she admits to being curious and questioning.

Apart from Burton-Hill having plenty on her current plate, she refuses to dwell on the unknown future. She affirms decisively, “I’ve chosen life,” echoing her conviction. This choice includes embracing a life that, according to her perspective, may prove challenging.

She explains, devoid of any self-pity, “There’s the life I had before my mind changed drastically, my past life, and then there’s the life I have now.” However, if she felt self-pity at times, that’s perfectly understandable.

According to Burton-Hill, it’s crucial to show understanding towards individuals such as myself. While they strive to maintain a positive demeanor with phrases like “Onwards!” and so forth, it’s also acceptable not to always feel this way and to openly express it honestly.

I’m profoundly thankful for the opportunity to build a new life, yet there are aspects of my past that I deeply miss. I recognize the potential growth and evolution from current experiences, but it’s mentally draining to constantly think about it. If only I could magically transform into a spiritual guide through this process, but alas, that’s not happening.

Previously, Burton-Hill led a multi-faceted life. She authored both fiction and non-fiction works, played in grand symphony halls, graced the stage at Glastonbury, acted in television dramas, hosted The Last Night of the Proms, married a charming diplomat, started a family with two children, and relocated to New York.

She expresses, “I wasn’t someone who merely existed; I thirstily embraced life. I yearned to experience everything, travel everywhere, encounter various individuals, sample diverse delights.” She acknowledges, “I recognize the good fortune and privilege I had.

Currently, Burton-Hill experiences no sensation on her right side, which limits her daily activities significantly. She’s unable to pick up her children for hugs, play the violin she loves, or perform simple tasks like tying shoelaces, cooking meals, writing with a pen, cleaning dishes, or even smiling. Her life is overshadowed by seizures and burdened by severe neurological fatigue that often forces her to bed for extended periods. This fatigue prevents her from sleeping due to sleep disturbances, but she’s also too exhausted to engage in any other activity because it causes physical exhaustion, brain fog, light sensitivity, dizziness, anxiety, and emotional instability. Burton-Hill must simply bear it until the symptoms subside.

Though she effortlessly conveys intelligence, Burton-Hill remains just as sharp-witted today – I met her back in 2015 and found her both captivating and charming – yet, speaking even the most basic sentences requires an immense mental exertion for her. This skilled communicator, whose life revolved around broadcasting, connecting with others, discussing her interests, and narrating significant stories, now struggles with a stutter in her speech. It’s as if she’s been afflicted by a tragic curse from a fairy tale.

However, Burton-Hill, a native of Hammersmith, west London, wasn’t cursed by a vengeful witch. Instead, she suffered from an Arteriovenous Malformation (AVM), which is essentially an irregular knot of arteries and veins that can develop either in the womb or shortly after birth. Sometimes, individuals with AVMs may live their entire lives without knowing they have one, while others might discover its presence only when it bursts.

Burton-Hill expresses a sense of clarity in recognizing that her current predicament wasn’t caused by anyone’s actions and could not have been foreseen or avoided. In other words, she found comfort in the fact that no one was at fault, but rather it was the compassionate acts of extraordinary individuals that saved her.

Remarkable individuals such as neurosurgeon Christopher Kellner, who resorted to using “simple carpentry techniques” to access her skull. (Later, Burton-Hill reveals the scar that stretches across her hairline like a thick worm, connecting what’s left of her natural skull with the artificial skull that makes up nearly half of her head.)

In its current state, Burton-Hill’s responsibilities are quite heavy, and her path to recovery is challenging. This journey is vividly portrayed in the moving and enlightening film, My Brain: After the Rupture (available on BBC iPlayer), which follows Burton-Hill’s life since she regained consciousness in February 2020.

Without hesitation, it vividly portrays Burton-Hill’s struggles, outbursts of anger, letdowns, small triumphs, and moments of optimism, her resilience – and at times, her despair – as she embarks on the journey of recovery and attempts to rebuild herself and her life.

After tackling tasks of great magnitude, it seems Burton-Hill can be quite harsh towards herself. I wonder if, following the production of the movie, she’s become kinder to herself. Her expression turns to puzzled incredulity when I pose this question.

Nowadays, I might be a bit more self-critical, but I don’t necessarily perceive it as such. It’s just my usual way of handling myself, and it’s something that works for me.

If she’s frugal with her own kindness, she’s generous towards others, even showering her sons with it, to some extent. Some of the most heartbreaking moments in the documentary are when Burton-Hill is separated from them, due to her frailty or exhaustion. How does she perceive the impact of her injury on her children who were five and one at that time?

The last five years, especially, have been tough – I was the initial Covid-19 patient in our hospital, often referred to as ‘patient zero’. After that, came the lockdown. Looking back, I’m deeply grateful that things didn’t turn out even more dire on so many fronts.

Despite numerous transformations in Burton-Hill’s life, some temporary and others permanent, one constant remains unaltered – her.

She expresses, with a touch of caution, “I believe I remain the same.” Yet, she has aspired for change and growth undeniably. However, she found it crucial to recognize the traits that define her identity. And upon reflection, she discovered those defining qualities still resonate within her. This isn’t always the case for individuals who have experienced brain injury or trauma, as their personalities might be significantly altered, leaving them unfamiliar to their loved ones. Despite this, Burton-Hill acknowledges her good fortune. However, a twinge of longing arises when she contemplates the abilities she can no longer exercise at present.

She admits, “Perhaps the minor catastrophe of my existence is that I won’t be able to live as freely as I once did. However, what I can assure you is that I truly savored every moment and never held back. It seems like either my mind or my instincts sensed my time was limited, so they pushed me to seize life with both hands. I’ve always had a feeling that our time here is fleeting – so live it up while you can. In the end, we all depart from this world.

Read More

2025-04-03 19:42