Stop the presses, hold your Doge, and please, someone tell your aunt to update her password: President Donald Trump just grabbed the crypto microphone on national TV, and surprise—he wants the U.S. to be top dogecoin. 😎🇺🇸
Trump: “I Want Crypto, Because Millions Want It—And Also, Look at My Incredible Hair”
“I’m not making money here, people. I’ve been into crypto before it was even cool, OK? I’m basically the hipster of presidents.”
Trump also gave the classic “It’s not me, it’s China” pitch: if the U.S. doesn’t get on board with crypto, China will. And we all know, any sentence beginning with “If we don’t do it, China’s going to” has a 76% chance of ending up in a presidential campaign commercial.
He hyped up the market by reminding everyone that crypto is “new, popular, and hot,” like it’s a fashionable new salad ingredient, saying: “When the market went down, crypto stayed much stronger than, say, my approval numbers at certain points.”
But I want crypto because a lot of people, millions of people, want it.
In classic Trump form, he took a swing at Biden for doing a full reverse Uno on crypto regulations: “Biden went after it violently. Then changed his mind because he wanted votes. And guess what? It didn’t work. Big shocker, right?”
On whether he’s raking in secret crypto profits, he shrugged: “I haven’t even looked”—which is exactly how I feel about my Coinbase account after a market crash. 🥲
While Biden’s SEC (led by “crypto’s fun-sucking uncle” Gary Gensler) took a hammer to the digital asset piñata, Trump’s approach has been basically, “Let’s get everybody a blockchain!” His dream team includes Paul Atkins at the SEC (insert ‘crypto bro’ joke here), a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve (no word on strategic snacks), a government crypto cache, David Sacks as AI & Crypto Czar, and yes, the first-ever White House crypto summit. Your move, Satoshi.
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2025-05-06 04:58