Oh honey, let me tell you about my Monday morning. There I was, sipping my overpriced oat milk latte, watching the European markets having what can only be described as a collective nervous breakdown. The FTSE 100 is down 4%, which in British terms is basically the equivalent of the Queen forgetting to wear her crown 👑. Meanwhile, the German DAX is throwing a 6.7% tantrum that would make my sister Amy proud.
And Bitcoin? Sweet, precious Bitcoin – the cryptocurrency equivalent of that popular kid in high school who peaked too early – is now flirting with $73,800. It’s like watching a trust fund baby losing their allowance, one digit at a time. 🎭
Speaking of drama, if the S&P 500 drops another 4% today, we’re basically recreating the Great Depression, but with better WiFi. The Fear and Greed Index (which sounds like something my therapist would love to discuss) has plummeted to 4 – lower than during COVID, the 2008 crash, and that time I tried to convince my family I could make a living as a performance artist. 😱
Then there’s Trump’s master plan, which feels like something cooked up during a game of Monopoly gone wrong. The strategy? Force everyone out of stocks and into bonds, like herding cats into a swimming pool. It’s the financial equivalent of trying to fix a leaky boat by drilling more holes – but make it fashion. 🎩
Bitcoin, our digital golden child, is down 10% in three days, which is actually better than the S&P 500’s performance – though that’s like saying my attempt at veganism was more successful than my attempt at becoming a professional cyclist. Both ended in tears, but at least one didn’t involve spandex. 🚴♂️
The price charts look like my self-esteem graph during high school: forming a descending channel since hitting $109,000. The support levels are holding about as well as my New Year’s resolutions, and the bears are having a picnic with more than just honey. 🐻
But here’s the kicker: Bitcoin has never fallen below its previous bull market high once it’s broken through. It’s like that one ex who swears they’ve changed – except this time, there might actually be some truth to it. The technical indicators are bottoming out faster than my bank account after a trip to Whole Foods. 🛒
As we wait for the U.S. markets to open (like waiting for test results at the doctor’s office, but with more sweating), the $69,000 support level stands as our last hope. It’s about as epic as my father’s collection of Jazz CDs – and probably just as resilient. 📈
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2025-04-07 13:18