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FOOTNOTE: Any resemblance to actual financial advice is purely coincidental and probably wrong. The author accepts no responsibility for any profits made, as they were clearly accidents.
It was another day in the great cosmic circus of cryptocurrency, where digital coins performed their usual acrobatics while traders watched with the same expression as someone who’s just found a penguin in their refrigerator. 🎪
In what could only be described as the financial equivalent of throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks, memecoins and AI tokens led the recovery. HYPE lived up to its name (because of course it did), while SHIB continued its eternal quest to prove that dogs can, indeed, fly to the moon. 🐕
Meanwhile, President Trump, masterfully wielding tariffs like a toddler with a crayon, decided to simultaneously raise them to 125% and reduce them to 10%, creating what economists are calling “Schrödinger’s Trade War.” 📊
The Federal Reserve, maintaining its reputation as the most entertaining group of economists since the invention of spreadsheets, reached a consensus that the economy might enter stagflation – a word that sounds like a dance move but is actually much less fun. 💃
In the DeFi world, Berachain experienced what experts are calling an “enthusiastic redistribution of wealth” (others might call it “running away screaming”), with $320 million in outflows. The BERA token dropped 40%, proving once again that bears should stick to honey rather than cryptocurrency. 🍯
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Technical Analysis Corner: The charts continue to look exactly like charts, forming patterns that economists swear mean something but suspiciously resemble their morning coffee stains. ☕
And finally, in what can only be described as the most exciting news for people who enjoy staring at numbers, the Bitcoin dominance reached 63.47%, which is coincidentally also the percentage of traders who claim to understand what that means. 🤓
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DISCLAIMER: If you understood all of this, you’re probably doing it wrong. 🎭
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2025-04-10 14:39