Picture, if you will, the universe: an unimaginably vast expanse where civilizations rise, fall, and occasionally invent digital tokens with pictures of dogs on them. Somewhere in that cosmic pinball machine, a crypto exchange named Bullish-yes, the marketing department actually went with subtle as a brick thrown by Thor-has decided that merely existing is far too modest a plan. No, what it wants is another 990 million dollars and a valuation of 4.8 billion, give or take the GDP of a small planet.
Originally, the prospectus fluttered shyly into the room last week, suggesting a mere 629 million dollars might suffice-about the price of a medium-sized asteroid mining franchise-but apparently someone hit the espresso button and the whole enterprise sprouted another 30 million shares at $32-$33 apiece. The SEC amended document practically exclaims, “Well if that’s the appetiser, let’s order the banquet!”
At the helm is Tom Farley, ex-president of the New York Stock Exchange, whose previous job description presumably included phrases like “sober market stewardship” and “less shouting”. Now he has swapped suits (but not shouting, one hopes) for the infinitely more interesting prospect of persuading institutional investors to park their money in something whose weekly volatility chart looks like an angry ECG.
And lest you think this is simply another “throw money at the blockchain and see what sticks” moment, Bullish assures us it made somewhere between 106 and 109 million in net income during Q2 2025-impressive, if slightly suspiciously round numbers. One can picture the accountants locked in a room, calculators smoking, concluding, “Look, everybody’s already bored-let’s just average the two and go to lunch.”
The timing, naturally, is impeccable: crypto markets everywhere are experiencing what experts call a “bull-rush-something-or-other”, and US regulators have grumblingly agreed that digital assets are slightly more legitimate than they were last Thursday. Circle (up 90% since June) and Galaxy Digital (now living the Nasdaq high life) serve as poster-children; Bullish merely wishes to join them at the adults’ table, preferably with a name placard spelled in golden blockchain letters.
So if the IPO succeeds (spoiler: the universe is under no contractual obligation to ensure success), Bullish will stroll into 2025 as one of the year’s largest crypto listings, proving once again that investor appetite for financial platforms built on mathematics most of humanity still pretends to understand remains utterly, magnificently, and bewilderingly bottomless.
Meanwhile, somewhere in a distant nebula, an alien accountant looks at this whole saga, sighs, and books the entry under “Species: delightfully insane”.
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2025-08-12 00:05