🤯 Crypto Prophet Hayes Gambles on Bitcoin’s Redemption Arc-Will the Fed Play Along? 🤡

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The man Hayes-oh, how he suffers!-paces his dimly lit study, gnawing at the bitter crust of financial despair like a starving man at stale bread. “The fools!” he mutters into the void, clutching his latest essay, this ‘Frowny Cloud’-as if the heavens themselves wept for the state of dollar liquidity. He speaks of 2025 not as a year, but as a purgatory where Bitcoin, that wretched martyr, languished while gold and tech stocks danced upon its grave. And yet-and yet!-he sees salvation in the unholy trinity: MSTR, Metaplanet, and… Zcash? (God help us all.)

Ah, but listen! The man is not mad-no, merely desperate enough to be right. He paints 2025 as a cosmic joke, where Bitcoin, that capricious imp, refused to play its assigned roles: neither digital gold nor tech-stock harlot. “As expected!” Hayes barks into the ether, as if anyone expected anything at all. Gold rose not from the fevered dreams of peasants, but from the cold, trembling hands of sovereigns who-rightly!-fear the Treasury’s icy grip. “If the president steals from you,” Hayes sneers, “does it matter if your gold is cheap?” A fair point, if one ignores the sheer absurdity of the premise.

And equities? Oh, the equities! Hayes, that tortured soul, sees not markets but warring nations, flinging industrial policy like drunken tsars at a banquet. AI-that glittering idol-is now a “strategic” plaything, which explains (or doesn’t) why the Nasdaq defied liquidity itself in 2025. But here lies the rub: Bitcoin, that fickle wraith, needs dollar liquidity like a drunk needs vodka-and Hayes, sweating through his epiphany, swears it’s coming. “The divergence!” he wails, as if this were a tragedy and not a spreadsheet.

The Three-Pillar Delusion (Or Salvation?)

Three channels, he says-three! Like the Holy Trinity, if the Trinity were cooked up by a Fed intern after three espressos. First: the balance sheet, expanding like a bureaucrat’s waistline via “Reserve Management Purchases” (a term so dull it hurts). Second: banks, those trembling sycophants, lending where governments wink and nod. Third: housing, because nothing says “liquidity rebound” like Fannie Mae buying MBS with Trump’s blessing. Hayes ties it all together with the desperation of a man betting his last ruble: “Bitcoin… and dollar liquidity bottomed together.” As if coincidence implies causation-or as if we should care.

The Degenerate’s Trinity

And now-the pièce de résistance-Hayes, self-proclaimed “degen speculator,” hungers for “MOAR risk” like a gambler eyeing the last bottle of rotgut. MSTR! Metaplanet! (Japan’s answer to… something.) And Zcash, that shadowy relic, which Hayes buys not despite its developers fleeing, but because of it. “Weak hands!” he crows, as if strength were measured by who holds the bag longest. His thesis? If Bitcoin claws back to $110,000 (a number plucked from the ether), these leveraged bets will soar like a drunkard’s dreams. At press time, MSTR traded at $179.33-a number as meaningless as the rest.

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2026-01-15 13:18