You Won’t Believe What 80,000 Bitcoin Did and Why FTX Is Still Crying: Crypto Madness July 2025!

If you thought last week was wild, this one needed its own seatbelt. 🪑

From government bills so big they require their own gravitational field, to Bitcoin waking up like Rip Van Crypto after a 14-year nap, the news cycle has tripped over itself, spilled digital coffee everywhere, and declared, “This is fine.” Robinhood, Ripple, Solana, FTX—they all showed up with PR teams in tow and, in some cases, bailiffs.

The only certainty is uncertainty (and transaction fees). If you’re blinking your third eye trying to keep up, congratulations, you’re now a crypto analyst. Let’s have a go at the ridiculous, the sublime, and the “wait, what?” of your July 2025 crypto roundup! 🚀✨

#1 The U.S. House Declares ‘Crypto Week’ (Insurance Not Included)

Mark the date and, if possible, hire a psychic. The U.S. House of Representatives is hosting “Crypto Week” on July 14. Three bills: CLARITY (reduces confusion by about 0.3%), GENIUS (IQ test not required), and the Anti-CBDC Surveillance Act (“Big Brother, not today!”), will be debated by lawmakers whose average understanding of blockchain is “I saw a Bitcoin meme once.” Markets could quake. Crypto fans are advised to watch closely, shout at their screens, and double-check their blood pressure apps.

#2 Bitcoin Catches a Breeze From Trump’s Quintillion-Dollar Bill 💸

There it is: President Donald Trump’s $5 trillion “Big Beautiful Bill”—because apparently, we were running out of zeroes. While the word “crypto” never appears, analysts declare, “Bitcoin could win big!” since raising national debt is the fastest way to make people buy pretend money on the internet. Amendments mentioning crypto were dropped, naturally, but connect the dots, and you might see Bitcoin prices taking off like Elon Musk’s next dog. Investors, hold onto your FOMOs.

#3 Ripple Tries to Become a Bank (Universe Remains Unamused)

Ripple’s CEO Brad Garlinghouse has, with a straight face and a Twitter account, announced their application for a U.S. national bank licence. He’s even after a Master Account at the Fed—because who wouldn’t want a stablecoin so stable it has an actual seat at the grownup table? All this, moments after Circle did the same thing. Expect more regulatory plot twists than the average soap opera.

True to our long-standing compliance roots, @Ripple is applying for a national bank charter from the OCC. If approved, we would have both state (via NYDFS) and federal oversight, a new (and unique!) benchmark for trust in the stablecoin market.

Earlier in the week via…

— Brad Garlinghouse (@bgarlinghouse) July 2, 2025

#4 FTX Tells 49 Countries: ‘You Can’t Sit With Us’

FTX creditors in 49 countries found out that all your base are belong to legal checks. A proposed claims freeze means if you’re from China, Russia, or Pakistan (or like 46 other places), your funds could be frozen unless you object in the next 45 days (assuming you read legal notices as bedtime stories). Drama continues. Pass the popcorn.

#5 CertiK’s Crypto Losses: Less Hacking, More Losing 💀

Crypto losses in the first half of 2025: $2.5 billion. Plot twist: hacks are down, but the money’s still gone. Bybit and Cetus Protocol accounted for $1.78 billion between them, showing that if you’re going to lose money, do it with flair. Phishing is in; it’s the season’s must-have crime, now even sneakier than politicians at election time. CertiK says to stay “vigilant,” which is code for “hide in a cave.”

#6 The Curious Case of 80,000 Bitcoin Stretching Their Legs 🕺🏽

On July 4, someone remembered their 80,000 Bitcoin from 2011—possibly because they found the USB stick behind the couch. The coins (~$5.2 billion) tiptoed into eight new wallets, sending the internet’s tinfoil supply into a panic shortage. Historic hack? Trillionaire time traveler? Just someone testing if Bitcoin still works? No one knows. And no one’s claiming it. Suspense! 🕵️‍♂️

#7 Crypto Investors Could Soon Pay Less Tax: Accountants in Tears

Senator Cynthia Lummis wants to make crypto taxes less Byzantine. No more double-taxation on staking, mining, or lending (hooray), no tax on transactions under $300 (double hooray), and you can finally give your crypto to charity without hiring a medieval scribe. On paper, it’s “groundbreaking.” In reality, give it six years and a hundred IRS memos, then check back.

#8 Solana ETF Now With 100% More Staking, 30% More Regulatory Shrugs

Solana now has an ETF in the U.S. that not only exists but comes with staking rewards. SSK (Solana + Staking ETF) launched by Rex Shares and Osprey Funds, with SEC approval best described as “meh, whatever.” Investors can now enjoy exposure to staked Solana and JitoSOL, a token so specific it probably needs glasses. Bridge to the future, or bridge to nowhere? Stay tuned.

#9 Nobitex Hacked, Sort of Recovered, But With Extra Paperwork 🇮🇷🔓

Iran’s king of crypto exchanges, Nobitex, was relieved of $100 million thanks to a hacker group with a name like a Bond villain. Verified users can finally access what’s left, but old wallet addresses are as useful as a ‘90s pizza coupon. Expect more upgrades, more paperwork, and more perspiration. Trading will resume once all systems have been sufficiently panicked.

#10 Robinhood Unleashes Micro Crypto Futures, Because Size Matters*

Robinhood introduces baby-sized (micro) futures for BTC, SOL, and XRP. Lower entry, higher chaos: it’s now easier than ever for newbies to bet big on tiny contracts and, possibly, lose the family pet. Fueled by deals with Bitstamp and WonderFi, and backed by CME Group, everyday traders have never had such easy access to existential dread.

Spotlight Snippets: Rapid-Fire Mayhem ⚡️

Figma Goes Full Bitcoin at IPO: $70M in Bitcoin, $30M in USDC—designers everywhere contemplating their color palettes in satoshis.

Russia Drops RUBx Stablecoin: Fully ruble-backed, centrally controlled, and with 67% more bureaucracy—vodka not included.

Tether Mines Bitcoin, Grows Soybeans in Brazil: Because renewable energy and crypto went on a date and had a blockchain farm.

Bitcoin Millionaires +26,000: Halving rally means more people can now claim to have lost millions in 2022 before making it back.

Ripple Drops 500M XRP in Two Parts: Because releasing all at once is so 2022. The surprise: nobody’s surprised anymore.

Where Do We Go From Here? 🪐

U.S. “Crypto Week” could switch up all the rules, just in time for you to regret that last trade.
Bitcoin might acquire “safe haven” hats thanks to Trump’s debt party, supply of hats TBD.
Ripple’s quest for a bank license could mean crypto and banks become that weird couple you pretend not to notice at family dinners.
Phishing scams, still here. Numbers down, creativity up. Maybe skip the “click here for riches” DMs.
U.S. tax reform (possibly) on the way, so staking and mining could become less of an existential crisis.

End of transmission—same time next Saturday, assuming we haven’t transmogrified into AI coins by then. Stay perplexed and watch those private keys! 🪙🦑👾

2025-07-05 13:09