Well, folks, it appears that the ghost of Bitcoin past might just get the chance to party like it’s 2009. Tether CEO Paolo Ardoino, with the cryptic confidence of a man who’s seen the future (or just a really good quantum physicist), has prophesied that those long-lost Bitcoin wallets are about to have some uninvited quantum guests.
But before you start dusting off your old hard drives and floppy disks (do people still use those?), let’s not hold our breath. Ardoino assures us that we’re not quite at the “quantum heist” stage of the digital revolution. Phew, I almost got excited there.
🧙♂️ “Any Bitcoin in lost wallets, including Satoshi (if not alive), will be hacked and put back in circulation,” Ardoino declared in a Feb. 8 X post, as if he’s already planning the seating chart for the biggest cryptocurrency shindig since… well, since Bitcoin was worth less than a cup of coffee.
Quantum Computing: More Like Quantum ‘Eventually’-ing
Ardoino added, with the patience of a saint explaining quantum physics to a room full of toddlers, that quantum computing is still as far away from breaking Bitcoin as I am from understanding why people watch reality TV.
Quantum computing, for those of you who didn’t spend your childhood summers at science camp, is like a super-powered version of the computer you’re using now, only it can juggle multiple possibilities and solve problems that would make your laptop cry into its motherboard.
But here’s the kicker: those inactive Bitcoin wallets are sitting ducks, just waiting to be quantum-duck-hunted. Meanwhile, the wallets that are actually being used will likely upgrade to quantum-resistant protection faster than you can say “schrodinger’s cat.”
Crypto Skull, the modern-day Nostradamus with a penchant for anonymity and a following that could populate a small city, mused that digging up Satoshi’s old wallets might just catapult us back to the stone age. And not in the cool, Flintstones kind of way.
Some experts, with all the foresight of a chess player three moves away from checkmate, suggest freezing Satoshi’s 1 million Bitcoins. Because nothing says “innovation” like freezing assets.
Bitcoin Maxis, It’s Time to ‘Plan Accordingly’
Joining the chorus of quantum doomsayers, Bitcoin enthusiast and billionaire Chamath Paliapitya casually dropped the idea that “Quantum Computing will be a risk to v1 cryptographic approaches.” Thanks for the hot tip, Chamath. His advice? Assume the quantum apocalypse is nigh and start planning like you’re preparing for a digital Y2K.
According to the eggheads at Quantum Grad, Grover’s search algorithm—which sounds like the name of a muppet with a knack for finding things—is the best shot we have at cracking open a Bitcoin wallet. But they also mention that it’ll take millions of qubits to pull off. So, unless you’ve got a quantum computer in your basement next to your collection of vintage arcade games, you’re probably safe for now.
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2025-02-09 09:00