Gary Gensler’s Crypto Roast: Bitcoin’s The Freshman, Altcoins the Ditzy Extras

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Picture this: Gary Gensler, former SEC boss and crypto’s uninvited party crasher, tells us Bitcoin is the life of the party, but most altcoins? They’re just that weird cousin no one wants to dance with. 💃🕺

Turns out, Gensler’s got his magnifying glass out, and guess what? Most altcoins don’t pass the sniff test. Fundamentals? Pfft, what’s that—something to eat?

Why Gary Loves Bitcoin (Even If He’s Not Buying Pizza With It)

In a blockbuster CNBC interview that had about as much drama as a Mel Brooks musical, Gary said Bitcoin just might stick around longer than your Aunt Mildred’s fruitcake. Why? Because 7 billion people worldwide are hooked on it like it’s the latest Netflix binge.

“Something like Bitcoin may persist for a long time because there’s 7 billion people around the globe, a real keen interest in it,” he declared, probably adjusting his glasses for dramatic effect.

Now Gensler, who ran the SEC like a drill sergeant from 2021 to 2025, took his crypto crackdown seriously—shaking down exchanges and token touts like a bartender cleaning glasses. But since those lawsuits got tossed faster than bad jokes at a roast, he’s decided to play the big picture role.

And what’s the big picture? Well, it’s all about fundamentals and sentiment—or as Gary sees it, “this circus is mostly sentiment wearing a funny hat and no fundamentals to speak of.” 🎩🤡

“I’m going to step back a little bit from any individual cases and just say this again to your viewing public. This is a very small part of the financial markets, but if you were interested in this, think about every financial asset sort of trades on a bit of fundamentals and sentiment. But this field is almost 99, or maybe one might say 100% sentiment and very little on fundamentals,” Gensler pontificated, or something close enough.

Gary’s crypto advice? Measure twice, cut once—and if the project’s fundamentals sound like a bad punchline, run for the hills, folks. Many of these tokens are a bit like that one friend who’s all talk and no cash.

When asked if Bitcoin is just another one of the gang, Gary flashes his scholarly grin and throws down a metaphor hotter than a Broadway spotlight:

“There’s only two or three precious metals. We humans have a certain fascination with two or three precious metals like gold,” he said, as if dropping a subtle crypto mic.

According to Gary, most altcoins riding the hype train, fueled by memes and TikTok dances, will flame out faster than last year’s dance move. Yet Bitcoin? The granddaddy of digital bling is poised to weather the storm.

This isn’t exactly a new tune for Gary. Back in January 2025, he reminded everyone that while Bitcoin can be as jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof, 7 billion humans can’t all be wrong—otherwise, what’s been holding up gold for 10,000 years? 🤔

“With 7 billion people around the globe, 7 billion people want to trade it just like we do have gold for 10,000 years. We have Bitcoin. It might be something else in the future as well,” Gary mused, leaving the door wide open for the next shiny thing.

Yet, plot twist: the man himself doesn’t own a single Bitcoin or cryptocurrency. Maybe he’s just the ultimate hype man or the cautious dad reminding you not to buy that third altcoin called “FluffCoin.”

So here we are in the great crypto saga: Bitcoin’s the seasoned star, altcoins the quirky sidekicks, and Gary Gensler the no-nonsense director yelling “Cut!” when things get too silly.

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2025-04-17 12:52