Bitcoin Rockets Past $96K: Is It Finally Time to Text That One Friend Who Said ‘It’s a Scam’?

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Oh, look! Bitcoin has flounced back above $96,000, presumably with the smug air of someone who’s found a fiver in last winter’s coat pocket and is now parading around as if they’re Warren Buffett. The crypto glitterati are now collectively fainting with optimism as the $100,000 milestone looms—less “when moon?” and more “where’s my space suit, darling?” 🚀

For the statistically inclined (or those who secretly enjoy number-crunching while pretending to ‘just check Twitter’): according to CoinMarketCap, BTC is now boasting a market cap of $1.91 trillion. Yes, TRILLION, as in, “enough zeroes to make your calculator cry.” The 24-hour trading volume? A svelte $30.46 billion, making your day-trading hobby look like collecting aluminium cans at the park. Activity is up 20% in the last day, so clearly everyone’s feeling a bit frisky. There are 19.85 million coins swirling about (maximum possible is 21 million), making your odds of owning a whole one slimmer than squeezing into your pre-pandemic jeans. Scarcity: it’s not just for avocados anymore!

After a period spent loitering in the low $90K range (the crypto version of lurking on Facebook at midnight), price finally surged with all the subtlety of Bridget Jones diving after a cheese puff. Bulls are charging, apparently powered by institutional money or, possibly, the cosmic force of memes. Either way, charts have been left with a suspicious-looking green spike, and analysts on YouTube have probably run out of adjectives.

Technical types natter on about “robust support near $94,000”—which sounds less like an investment thesis and more like something you’d want in a sports bra. Traders are charging in with the vigor of people searching for toilet paper in a pandemic. Sentiment readings, those mysterious numbers that everyone pretends to understand, are a glowing 100%. Naturally, confidence is sky-high because nobody ever learns anything in bull markets.

Maybe this is all about nervous anticipation ahead of some macroeconomic event, or perhaps the next Bitcoin halving, or governments peering warily at crypto as if it’s a suspicious sandwich. Who can say?

Will the party last? Will Bitcoin finally break $100,000, leaving everyone who “just missed buying in” weeping into their oat milk lattes? Stay tuned. One thing’s for certain: everyone’s watching, nobody’s blinking, and at least someone is tweeting #lambo unironically.

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2025-05-01 13:48