Shocking! Strive Gobbles Up Asset Entities & Raises a $1B Bitcoin Betting War Chest!

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If you heard a distant clinking sound followed by a muffled explosion, don’t worry — that was just the gentle marriage of Asset Entities Inc (who do digital marketing and, presumably, invent new types of PowerPoint transitions) and Strive Asset Management (who, up till now, probably managed all their assets with the stern, grave responsibility of Victorian headmasters but are suddenly feeling far more interesting). Both will now unite under the Strive brand. Even more miraculously, no one’s invented a new name — because why fix what’s on the NASDAQ ticker?

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Now brace yourself. Together, the duo is donning the stylish yet oddly impractical hat of a public Bitcoin Treasury Company. The aim? To hoard Bitcoin using “corporate strategies.” No, not just sticking it under a giant mattress, but with the added ambition of delivering “strong returns” to shareholders. (Translation: “Please clap.”)

Meanwhile, in a dazzling feat of financial gymnastics, they’re offering the opportunity to swap your Bitcoin for stock in a manner described as “tax-free,” thanks to the ever-enigmatic Section 351 of the U.S. tax code. (Section 351: the Hogwarts Sorting Hat of financial regulations, sorting your assets into “not taxed yet… probably.”) Don’t rush to swap your entire stockpile of ancient pizza-purchased Bitcoin just yet: the deal is only for certain “accredited investors” prior to closing. So if you have to ask if you’re accredited, you’re probably not. 😉

Strive’s plans don’t stop at mere mergers — oh no! Their strategy includes merging with “overcapitalized companies” (which is corporate-speak for “people with pockets fatter than their common sense”) and extracting extra cash at a discount. Equipped with a mystical toolkit of fixed income wizardry and arcane derivatives, they vow to channel precious liquidity into Bitcoin. Imagine a financial version of Dungeons & Dragons, only more dragons and fewer dungeons. 🐉

The new captain of this ship is Matt Cole, previously employed to keep track of $70 billion in fixed-income investments, which makes him qualified to understand numbers with many, many zeroes. He’ll be joined by Ben Pham (CFO), Arshia Sarkhani (the marketing guru and CEO of Asset Entities, now CMO, which is either a promotion or an elaborate game of corporate musical chairs), and Logan Beirne (Chief Legal Officer, whose job is mainly to stop everyone from being arrested).

In true Discworld fashion, the company’s history gets twisty: Strive Asset Management was co-founded by Vivek Ramaswamy, a former presidential candidate who left the company in 2023, presumably to pursue something less complicated (like politics). Meanwhile, Strive Enterprises, private and mysterious as a wizard’s pocket, will still own 94.2% of the whole grand experiment, at least until someone finds another tax code loophole big enough to drive a gold-plated Bitcoin through. 🪙

As for the shareholders and the markets, they’ll just have to wait and see if all these mergers, swaps, and boardroom shenanigans mean their pockets get any heavier — or if it’s just the weight of all that paperwork.

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2025-05-07 19:25