Wall Street’s Altcoin Madness: Why Your Aunt’s Tea Party Is Less Dramatic Than These Crypto ETFs

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Wall Street institution in possession of a large fortune, must be in want of an altcoin. 😏 Such is the tenor of our present age, wherein Bitwise and 21Shares, those darlings of the digital investment ballroom, are extending their ambitious hands far beyond the well-trodden waltz between Bitcoin and Ethereum. Layer-1 protocols and glamorous platform tokens now beckon, and what lady or gentleman could resist such enticements?

21Shares Introduces Cronos ETP: Croissants in Paris, Cronos in Amsterdam

Hot off the presses—if such a thing exists in this digital Eden—21Shares, with the elegance of a debutante launching her Season, unveiled a novel exchange-traded product: direct exposure to Cronos (CRO), the token that oils the wheels of Crypto.com’s grand domestic establishment. Commencing on May 6, discerning investors from Paris to Amsterdam may flutter their fans over Euronext’s polished floors, delighting in Cronos ETP’s regulation-approved debut.

Gone are the days when Continental gentry satisfied themselves with the plain fare of Bitcoin. No, they must now have the amuse-bouche of niche blockchain assets, each more recherché than the last. If 21Shares must become the Mrs. Bennet of crypto ETPs—eagerly seeking suitable matches for every altcoin—it will play the part with admirable gusto.

Bitwise Proposes NEAR ETF: A Modest Proposal (With Slightly More Paperwork)

Across the pond, Bitwise—never content with the ordinary—has turned its sober regard to NEAR, darling of decentralized daydreamers everywhere. On April 24, an application was slipped quietly into the Delaware exchange, seeking the blessing of regulators for a Bitwise NEAR ETF Trust. If Mr. Darcy ever suffered so many procedural indignities merely to dance, one shudders for Jane’s nerves.

The Trust, upright as Mr. Collins but with rather more reliable bookkeeping, would watch over NEAR, ably assisted (and perhaps occasionally pestered) by Coinbase Custody Trust Company, entrusted (one might fear) with the keys to the family silver, or at least the blockchain wallets.

The Details (or Lack Thereof)

If your heart is aflutter for ticker symbols, fees, or the precise exchange where this marvel shall promenade, prepare for disappointment. Bitwise’s plans remain shrouded, a veritable Lydia Bennet of tabled intentions. First must come the 19b-4 form, a ritual so forbidding it might discourage all but the most ardent of suitors from approaching the SEC’s drawing room.

“The Trust’s investment objective is to seek to provide exposure to the value of NEAR held by the Trust, less the expenses of the Trust’s operations and other liabilities.”

In other words: you may keep your profits, provided you can find them after the servants (viz. operational expenses) have taken their customary tips.

All the Altcoins in the Drawing Room

Is the crypto ball not overcrowded enough? Bitwise demurs—they will not rest until Bitcoin and Ethereum are elbowed aside in favour of Dogecoin (such wit!), Solana, XRP, and even Aptos. One cannot help but recall Lady Catherine de Bourgh: “Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?” And yet a market analyst professes on X (née Twitter):

“Bitwise is betting big on altcoin legitimacy. Wall Street exposure to L1s is getting real.”

Real enough, at least, to prompt much fanning of oneself and raising of monocles by the industry’s chaperones.

SEC: Waiting for Mr. Right (or At Least, Mr. Approved)

Alas, every tale must have its clucking aunt, and here the SEC proves ever the prudent guardian, delaying decisions with a forbearance worthy of Persuasion’s Lady Russell. Applications for XRP and DOGE ETFs are left languishing, their fate not to be decided until mid-June 2025. If only one could match the Commission with a more decisive partner! 😩

For now, asset managers continue vying for the SEC’s good opinion, all whilst the agency eyes the crypto world as though it had spotted a muddy hem on Elizabeth Bennet’s petticoat. Perhaps one day, the altcoin ETF parade will gain full acceptance—though not, one suspects, before a great deal more eyebrow-raising and letter-writing has transpired.

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2025-05-07 21:11