Breaking news: The crypto market has been busier than the queue at Pret on a Monday morning, all thanks to the US Fed doing… well, absolutely nothing about interest rates. Apparently, “holding steady” is the new black, and whales—those mythical creatures with wallet sizes that could rival Elon’s ego—are suddenly scooping up altcoins like there’s a two-for-one sale at Selfridges. 🐋💸
Here’s which altcoins have the whales flapping their fins and why everyone suddenly wishes they’d paid attention in maths class.
Ethereum (ETH)
If Ethereum were a person, it’d be that overachieving cousin who’s just got a promotion and bought a house. ETH has waltzed right back above $2,000, thanks to Fed policies and a hotly-named upgrade called Pectra (which, let’s be honest, sounds more like a probiotic yoghurt than ground-breaking crypto tech).
Apparently, ETH whales have emerged from their digital depths with bags so big even Hermione’s beaded handbag would be jealous. In the last seven days, these mega-holders increased netflow by 374%. Don’t ask for the maths, just nod and pretend you’re not intimidated. 📈
For those who enjoy flexing, a “large holder” is someone, or something, controlling more than 0.1% of ETH’s entire circulation (insert Dr. Evil pinky raise here). When more ETH is flowing in than out, it means whales are buying up, the crypto equivalent of bulk buying loo roll ahead of a lockdown. Classic.
With whales this keen, smaller ETH hopefuls are following along—maybe the next price jump will pay for a coffee at London prices. Maybe.
Apecoin (APE)
Meanwhile, APE has managed to climb 13% in a week—finally, someone’s had a glow-up post-2022. The whales who hoard between 10k and 100k tokens have taken home 640,000 APE. (Honestly, did they not read ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’?)
This esteemed group of APE-hoarders now collectively own nearly 31 million tokens, which, if you’re bad at mental arithmetic, is “a whole lot.” Maybe they just really like monkeys. The point is, it’s a record since November 2022, and apparently, FOMO is contagious.
Polygon (POL)
MATIC is now POL, which no one warned me about, but let’s embrace the new era. If you’re a wallet-wielding, token-thirsty whale with a million-to-ten-million POL lying about, you’re in good company—3.24 million more tokens worth of company this past week, to be exact. 🐳
At last count, POL’s top cohort is sitting on a pile of 308.34 million tokens. Just imagine trying to fit that all under your digital mattress. If these elephants—uhh, whales—keep buying, expect POL rallies and many smug “I told you so”s echoing throughout the internet.
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2025-05-09 17:52