You Won’t Believe What Tanked the Dow—And Why a Gold Bar Now Looks Like Date Night Material

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If you thought your Monday was bad, try being the stock market! U.S. stocks, which started the day like a caffeinated squirrel, ended up hitting the wall—just in time for those oh-so-exciting U.S.-China trade talks. Because nothing gets investors more jittery than the threat of a good, old-fashioned tariff scuffle. 😬

Sure, there was some “positive” trade news… if you count “not as disastrous as usual” as positive. Spoiler alert: The Dow Jones dropped nearly 200 points (or 0.48% if you prefer your pain in percentage terms), the S&P 500 came in second with a 0.24% loss, and the Nasdaq just kind of sighed and lost 0.19%. You know it’s a party when losing less than half a percent feels like a win!

All eyes (and possibly one or two random security cameras) are locked on the U.S.-China trade talks. President Trump said he’d “consider” lowering tariffs on Chinese goods to 80%, which is apparently a “bargain” compared to the previous 145%. Because nothing says “diplomacy” like threatening to be slightly less scary. But don’t get too cozy—Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent could still change the locks.

Sure, 80% is still high enough to make exporters clutch their pearls, but hey—it’s all in the spirit of not starting World War Tariff. Meanwhile, China’s own 125% tariffs on U.S. goods have led to the economic equivalent of a middle school staring contest. The hope? Maybe, just maybe, both sides blink, and we get to stop explaining reciprocal tariffs at dinner parties (please, no more).

Strategy & Palantir: The Winners of Losing, Gold is the New Black

If you had “Palantir plummets” on your bingo card, congrats: down 2.23% today and set to close the week down 5%. Investors are suddenly realizing “high valuation” isn’t Wall Street’s safe word. And on Tuesday, the company’s shares lost 12% and $35 million evaporated faster than your dreams of early retirement. 🫠

Your fun fact of the day: Strategy, which bets on Bitcoin with the subtlety of a Vegas slot machine, was also down 1.78%. Apparently, Bitcoin didn’t get the memo and actually rose 1.23% over the last day, 5% over seven days. Maybe stocks are allergic to logic now?

Meanwhile, gold was that friend at the party who just keeps getting more popular the more everyone else freaks out. Up 1.16%, sitting pretty at $3,344 an ounce, gold is now less of a “safe haven” and more of a “let’s run away together to Aruba” investment. 🏝️

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2025-05-09 20:39