It appears that the customer experience at America’s more fashionable financial institutions has taken an unexpected turn for the “adrenaline-fueled.” Newly-minted reports, delivered in the tone of breathless concern, suggest that visiting one’s bank is now akin to strolling casually through the set of a budget crime drama—minus the popcorn and with rather more paperwork.
The dramatis personae of this adventure: two criminal fraternities hailing from Maryland (for once, not vying for top honours at lacrosse). They have been accused, with impressive formality, of conducting themselves as members of a criminal association, dabbling in attempted murder, armed carjacking, armed robbery, assault, and—because nothing says “full house” like it—firearms mischief. The local news, WMAR 2, is practically trembling with excitement.
Their hobby? Targeting those brave souls still frequenting physical branches of Bank of America, Capital One, Wells Fargo, and the Navy Federal Credit Union. No bank seems safe; the décor of marble countertops and pens on tiny chains offering little comfort, it seems.
These enterprising fellows, the authorities allege, would shadow customers exiting ATMs or banks, presumably after sizing them up for sartorial indicators of liquidity. The chase would continue to the victims’ homes or places of business. “Congratulations! You now qualify for a follow-up visit…”
Perhaps most audaciously, our anti-heroes are said to have, on one occasion, stage-managed a fender-bender of such design that the victim was obliged to stop. What followed was, you guessed it, the least pleasant car-side service this side of Baltimore—a holdup à la mode, conductor armed, gratuities discouraged. 🚗💥🔫
The curtain falls: between August 2023 and July 2024, these groups are reported to have lightened the wallets of 34 individuals, their combined misfortune totaling more than $155,000 (an amount barely enough to buy a houseplant in Manhattan, but still, one supposes, a tidy sum).
As the gavel teeters, seven enterprising souls have been indicted to date. If the jury won’t laugh, at least the tabloids might. 🏦💸
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2025-05-10 03:31