You Won’t Believe What a Regency Crypto Rogue Did for ISIS 😱🪙

by

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a solitary Virginian in want of adventure, might find himself catering to the peculiar demands of justice. Our protagonist, Mr. Mohammed Azharuddin Chhipa, discovered this verity with admirable dread, when a most unsentimental federal judge secured his residence for the next thirty years and four months—at the expense of the American taxpayer no less! The Department of Justice—who, one suspects, never miss an opportunity for a dramatic reveal—made this development public on the 9th of May, after calculating that Mr. Chhipa had transferred the sum of $185,000 in that most bewildering of currencies, cryptocurrency, to those fiends known by the title of the Islamic State.

Between October 2019 and October 2022, Mr. Chhipa busied himself with the kind of industriousness that anyone’s mother would discourage, amassing money both in person (how dreadfully provincial!) and online, which he then dispatched—presumably with the swiftness of a footman recalling where he left Lady Catherine’s wig—to Turkey.

On the Subject of Funding the ISIS (One Rather Wishes He Hadn’t)

The sums involved, according to numerous very serious gentlemen with legal powers, were anything but trifling. Over three years, not a penny below $185,000 flowed giddily through Mr. Chhipa’s hands. Some of these coins, which one assumes were neither minted by the Crown nor bearing the king’s profile, found themselves in the pockets of ISIS militants on payday—a scenario Jane herself would have described as “lamentably imprudent.” Some of the funds enabled female affiliates to evade the inconvenience of prison, surely a novel twist on the “women escaping the parsonage” trope. All this accomplished with such ordinary tools as the telephone and electronic letter; truly, a lesson in what mischief can be done with gadgets previously deemed harmless.

Mr. Mohammed Azharuddin Chhipa, aged five-and-thirty, formerly of Springfield, finds himself with thirty years and a few as an unwelcome guest of the federal government, owing to his enterprising sponsorship of ISIS.

— U.S. Attorney EDVA (@EDVAnews) 8 May, 2025

His Schemes To Shield Himself From Notice (Hiding in Plain Sight, Like a Cat in a Bonnet)

It will shock no one familiar with gothic novels that Mr. Chhipa took considerable trouble to remain unremarkable. He employed false names of such obvious falsity that one expects even the most inattentive of postmasters would have led the hounds to him. He changed telephones with the zeal of a debutante changing partners at her first ball, and made travel arrangements under names so artfully misspelled, one might almost suspect poetic intention.

One day, the ever-watchful eyes of Interpol set their sights on him, after he attempted an ambitious sojourn from Mexico to Egypt—an itinerary that would exhaust even Mrs. Bennet. Receiving notice (the notorious Blue type), he nonetheless ran out of luck, and after a December 2024 trial featuring more drama than a drawing room at teatime, a jury convicted him of conspiracy and assorted other unfashionable pursuits.


Other Scandals in the Offing (The Neighbors Are At It Too!)

News of Mr. Chhipa’s downfall had barely graced the air before another tale arose: on March 27, the Justice Department bravely seized $200,000 in crypto from those associated with the practical-minded militants of Hamas. Reports suggest the implicated wallets laundered $1.5 million in a fashion so brisk that even the most ambitious of Bath house parties must surely pale in comparison.

Meanwhile, the Treasury’s home for wayward assets (official name: Office of Foreign Assets Control) cast their disapproving eye upon eight addresses, blacklisting them thoroughly. Their reports insist that the Houthis of Yemen spent these digital curios on weapons and evasion, as if war and unscrupulousness were ever out of style.

The World Takes the Hint (At Least, It Tries 😏)

A recent report states that extremist groups acquired at least $24.2 billion in cryptocurrency in 2023. While this figure may be but a fraction of the perfidious streams flowing about, one can hardly pour tea with a steady hand upon hearing such news.

The United Nations’ Counter-Terrorism Committee, always prepared for a spot of foreboding, warns that should this continue, terror may become less about bullets and more about ones and zeroes. Hence, regulators and government fellows now advocate for rules so stringent they’d make Lady Catherine herself seem lax, and call for cooperation between governments and the mysterious cabal known as “crypto companies.”

Thus, in assigning Mr. Chhipa a lengthy residence, US judges have drawn a line in the sand—one far less agreeable than a line for country dancing. The sentiment? Should you dare abet terror with your digital doubloons, prepare to bid society adieu for several decades, regardless of how fashionable your “method of transfer” may be.

Read More

2025-05-10 21:01