You’ll Never Guess What Coinbase Found Hiding in 10,000+ Pages of Crypto Secrets! đŸ˜±

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Picture, if you will, the colossal edifice of bureaucracy trembling as Coinbase, like some modern Ivan Karamazov, crashes open the rusted doors and unleashes—aha!—an avalanche of secret files! Ten thousand tender pages, like the cryptic confessions of exhausted government officials scribbled in the shadows, slip out to face the glare of a judgmental public. At last! The clattering gears of regulation exposed, their contradictions dancing naked beneath the candlelight of transparency. Oh, what a raucous symphony of paperwork and embarrassed bureaucrats!

Coinbase Tosses Open the FOIA Treasure Chest, US Crypto Guardians Exposed in All Their Glory 😬

Behold, dear reader, as the crypto exchange Coinbase (Nasdaq: COIN—if you care about such trifles) grows tired of waiting in line at the Ministry of Unread Emails. With the tenacity of a Dostoevskian antihero, they unveil a digital Babel of files—documents harvested painstakingly through the Freedom of Information Act, as if picking wild mushrooms in a foggy forest of red tape. Chief Legal Officer Paul Grewal, surely chuckling into his tea, proclaims to the huddled masses on X:

“Coinbase reveals all the paperwork we’ve unearthed from the mysterious vaults of regulatory agencies. Ten thousand pages! Was it not Dunya who once said, ‘government transparency should not be a plaything for the privileged?’ Well, maybe she should have, at least.”

The plot thickens: these documents, wrested from the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the venerable Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC), now sprawl free in Coinbase’s own FOIA Reading Room. Come, read—lose yourself in correspondence and emails more labyrinthine than Raskolnikov’s conscience.

And so the company crows: “We used FOIA! We demanded to know why crypto is kept in regulatory twilight! History Associates Inc.—and what an epic name for a third-party questing knight—filed these requests at our very command,” Coinbase puffs out, chest swelling with obstinate pride.

Marvel, then, at the collection: internecine SEC emails where, in a truly bureaucratic twist, 2019’s brave regulators admit to a ‘crypto regulatory gap’ with the furtiveness of Katerina Ivanovna hoarding coppers. Elsewhere, a 2023 missive from New York’s Attorney General urges the SEC to bust into the Kucoin case wielding amicus briefs—no one answers. And in a Kafkaesque crescendo, the SEC, guardians of mighty crypto law, cannot even open a video from Coinbase. IT problems, or perhaps existential dread?

How did Coinbase respond when their initial FOIA requests were rebuffed, redacted, rejected like some hapless Marmeladov? With lawsuits, of course! History Associates Inc., undaunted, storms the federal courts—paper cuts and all—demanding compliance. Will the documents set us free? Or merely entangle our souls further?

“When government pushed back with denials, drownings in black ink, we sued them. Do you hear, gentle reader? Sued them! For our right to know what winds buffet the crypto ship.”

Grewal, now waxing philosophical, thunders: “This isn’t just about Coinbase—nay, not even about the 52 million Americans dabbling their toes in crypto. It’s a fight for a right as basic as guilt in St. Petersburg: to know what the government cooks behind closed doors!” Yet lo, as always, the regulators cling to ‘discretion’ like a babushka protecting her last potato. Crypto advocates see only sleight of hand, a theater of litigation masquerading as rulemaking.

Now the crowd awaits: Will transparency triumph, or will we all drown in paperwork, irony, and unspecified IT errors? Tune in next time, comrades, for the next thrilling installment in The Brothers Coinbase.

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2025-05-12 05:03