Bitter Altcoin Winters, Ethereum’s Glory, and One Stubborn Bitcoin Fan Sulking in the Corner

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Last week, altcoins crawled up from the crypts of irrelevance, led by Ethereum’s unreasonably cheerful 40% leap. Analysts—those oracles who peer into the abyss and see dollar signs—have latched onto the “alt season” prophecy once again, waving charts like sacred texts. Meanwhile, Bitcoin stubbornly inches to $105,000, like a Soviet tractor grinding through mud, all thanks to those ever-optimistic whispers about US-China trade deals. Hope springs eternal, as they say—until it drops dead.

And So the Altcoin Market Awaits Its Reckoning, Weekly Close Edition

The esteemed Rekt Capital declared his grand thesis: if the market cap (minus the top ten—because who needs those?) finishes above $250 billion, stay tuned for an absurdly optimistic rally to $315 billion. Apparently, that sort of weekly close is the magic elixir. Altcoins are now just -61% from their glorious highs, confirming this is the bottom… unless, of course, the floor opens up again.
The wheel turns, the gulag doors creak. Will freedom ever come?

Rekt Capital reminds us: this correction is “less brutal” than previous market bloodbaths of -69% and -85%. Progress, comrades! The great resistance at $425 billion is apparently weakening, perhaps from exhaustion or boredom. Should the market revisit this line, it might finally break—cracking like the frozen Volga in spring.

Meanwhile, in a display of caution that would make your babushka proud, Merlijn The Trader warns everyone not to get swept away by alt fever. Bitcoin’s dominance is slipping, signaling capital might be slinking into alts—kind of like rats leaving a sinking ship, or maybe arriving on one. The key: rotate early, or buy the top and sob quietly into your tea. ☕🚀

And that never-ending “US-China trade breakthrough” could, supposedly, throw rocket fuel on this digital casino fire. Or not. But the hope is a persistent weed.


Willy Woo Bets the Farm: Prepare for Bitcoin’s Glorious, Oppressive Majority

Willy Woo, bettor against the crowd, hoists his banner: Bitcoin will crush all, with dominance vaulting past 90%. Let the altcoin enthusiasts gnash their teeth and shake their fists! Grok 3—who may or may not be an actual robot—foresees a $10.5 trillion cap for alts by 2030. Woo chuckles: for Bitcoin, it’s $100 trillion or bust. Altcoins will sit in the corner, eating cold kasha, while BTC feasts in the Kremlin.

Woo foretells the end of crypto venture capital as we know it (retroactively tragic for those late-fund entrants). Corporates, ever pragmatic, gobble up Bitcoins in a frenzy, leaving altcoins sadly picked over like cabbage in a famine. Just look at Metaplanet: stockpiling BTC so fast you’d think another October Revolution was coming. 🥔💰

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2025-05-12 11:45