Nvidia’s $3 Trillion Rampage and Other Unexpected Twists on Wall Street

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The stock market, that endless cliff edge upon which humanity dances, found itself surging on Tuesday. The S&P 500 clawed back every pitiful loss it had suffered in 2025, like a battered street dog that just discovered a wallet full of cash. Investors, ever keen to squeeze hope from the dried lemon rind of reality, rejoiced as technology, trade, and the elusive beast named “lower inflation” all whispered sweet nothings into their battered ears.

Over in the land of the Nasdaq Composite, there was a jump of 1.6%—a leap worthy of a circus acrobat eluding tax collectors. The Dow Jones, meanwhile, slumped by 0.64%, thanks to UnitedHealth suffering an 18% nosedive after its CEO decided it was time for a “new adventure,” dumping shareholders into an ice bath by suspending the company’s guidance. “Leadership change is healthy,” they say. So is a surprise colonoscopy. 🙃

Nvidia led the parade, strutting with a 6% gain straight over the $3 trillion market cap finish line after news broke that it would be sending 18,000 AI chips to Saudi Arabia. Like a cunning street vendor finding new customers in the desert. The other chipmakers, Broadcom and AMD, caught the fever too, each swelling 4%, fueled by the world’s insatiable craving for artificial intelligence and neural network snake oil.

The market got one more shot of joy juice when the government announced inflation was merely crawling at 2.3% year-over-year for April, not the full gallop the experts feared. Lowest since 2021! And you thought your rent would finally stop going up. Economists called this “softer than expected,” proving again they are paid to sound tranquil while the ship sinks just a bit slower than forecasted.

Bond traders, always the life of the party, revised their hopes for interest rate cuts—from June to September now. Not exactly the summer holidays Wall Street’s been dreaming of, but at least there’s time to plan which yacht to rent while waiting for the Fed to decide whether or not to take another nap.

Meanwhile, Coinbase, crypto’s favorite rollercoaster, shot up 23.97%—a giddy $49.68 leap to end the day at $256.90. All it took was being crowned the first crypto company to join the S&P 500. Grandma’s buying Dogecoin, the end times are nearer than you think. 🚀

Easing tensions with China 

The carnivale of optimism rolled on with the White House tossing $600 billion at the world and declaring a 90-day truce in the tariff playground fight with China. Hopes for peace, or at least a little less yelling at dinner, had the markets humming the Internationale in the elevator. Tech titans Tesla and Meta soared—5% and 3% up, respectively—because apparently, happiness is a lack of fresh tariffs.

Palantir, not to be outdone, somersaulted 9% after a $142 billion U.S.-Saudi defense deal, a reminder that nothing brings the world together like a colossal weapons contract. Coinbase burned even brighter, up over 18% with its S&P 500 debut, as crypto analysts hailed this as some kind of wild renaissance—a new regulatory dawn, or perhaps just a fever dream.

In short, on Wall Street dreams die and revive hourly, companies leap and stumble, and traders chase rumors like stray dogs under a butcher’s window. Nothing changes and everything does—so pour yourself another bitter cup and pray to the gods of capital for just one more good headline. 🤦‍♂️

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2025-05-14 00:04