Bitcoin’s On the Verge—Coinbase Moonwalks Into S&P 500, But Should We Actually Care?

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What’s going on here, really? 🧐

  • Bitcoin is flirting with $105,000—which sounds impressive, unless you’re waiting for your Schwab statement to look less embarrassing.
  • Ethereum? Up 9%—or as they call it, “Tuesday.” Oh, and supposedly the crypto world is basking in “institutional interest,” because nothing says “rebel currency” like hedge funds and banks piling in. Coinbase? Tossed into the S&P 500 like it’s seasonings at a deli counter.
  • Resistance at $106K, claim “analysts.” Yeah, sure, let’s just pretend we know what Bitcoin resistance even means anymore. Might as well use a dartboard.

So Bitcoin’s above $104,000 again. Gasp! Apparently, we needed fresh inflation data (whatever that means), Trump’s optimism (guy’s never met a market he didn’t think could go higher), and, for some reason, Coinbase joining the S&P 500. It’s a party, and everyone’s invited, except your neighbor who bought Bitcoin at the absolute high. 🎉

The Consumer Price Index was “cooler” than expected. No one knows what that means, but look, the stock market went up, the Fed’s not panicking (yet), and Jerome Powell’s got a speech on Thursday. What could possibly go wrong? 🙄

Trump, meanwhile, is in Riyadh throwing out bullish predictions, probably right after a killer plate of hummus. Says markets “could go a lot higher,” because when has he ever undersold anything?

Bitcoin practically kissed $105,000 then chickened out—trading up 2.4% or so, making noise, but not paying your rent. Ethereum’s up, Chainlink is partying, even DeFi tokens are flying around like they just found out about happy hour. Everything’s up except your blood pressure (which, after reading this, probably is).

Stocks added a little razzle-dazzle. Nasdaq and S&P climbed, Coinbase stock shot up 24%—which is great if you bought it yesterday, not so great if you bought the IPO. Now the S&P 500 has a crypto exchange in it. Welcome to ~the future~ (and possibly, regret). Jefferies says this might pump $16 billion into Coinbase shares. Or it might not. Who knows?

The “experts” say we’re “digesting” last week’s gains, like it’s Thanksgiving dinner and we’re all just lying on the couch in sweatpants, waiting for another serving. The rally apparently “has further momentum” because no one wants to say what happens if it doesn’t.

Kruger at LMAX is name-dropping “global risk appetite” and “institutional tailwinds”—I mean, it sounds official, right? Coinbase being in the S&P turns crypto from “magic internet money” into “magic internet money with ETF rails.” Huge milestone, or at least a good excuse to sell your old Beanie Babies for Bitcoin.

Regulations? Supposedly, the SEC wants the U.S. to become a “crypto hub.” Next thing you know, the IRS will let you pay with Dogecoin. Anyway, if any of this happens, more institutional money could pour in. If not, there’s always the next bull market (year TBD).

Paul Howard at Wincent agrees. Altcoins are up, but don’t expect all of them to make it. The strong will survive. The weak will…well, let’s just say you don’t want to be holding the wrong bag when the music stops. 👜

Are we actually getting a new Bitcoin record next month? (Or is this another Seinfeld plot?)

Bitcoin’s sniffing its January all-time highs (it’s practically at the door, but forgot the keys). Volumes are stable, funding rates aren’t frothy—but with resistance at $104K-$106K, Bitfinex says we might just “consolidate.” Translation: imagine a Bitcoin on a recliner, remote in hand, thinking about getting up, probably later. Maybe June is the big moment. Maybe we’ll be here next year talking about “future potential.”

Want to dream big? Well, analysts at Bitfinex have thrown out a $150,000-180,000 target for 2025-2026. So if you’re still holding by then, you’ll either be a genius or the guy at the blackjack table convinced the next hand changes everything.

Apparently, Bitcoin is now “the strongest it’s ever been.” Everyone from sovereign nations to investment funds wants a piece, ETFs are multiplying, the US is talking a good game. “Macro reserve asset” sounds grand, but I still can’t buy lunch at a diner with it. Call me when I can get soup with Bitcoin, then we’ll talk. 🍲

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2025-05-14 00:09