Crypto Moguls: Baguettes & Bodyguards!

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Oy vey! French authorities, bless their bureaucratic hearts, are finally doing something! Seems like crypto entrepreneurs in France are now under guard! 👮‍♂️ After a slight surge in kidnappings, mind you. Officials are aiming to curb what they call a “worrying spike in attacks.” I call it a “golden opportunity for a slapstick comedy!”

Government Steps Up Security (Or Stumbles?)

So, according to reports (reliable? Who knows!), Interior Minister Bruno Retailleau (sounds like a fancy cheese, doesn’t it?) has offered priority access to police emergency lines for those in the crypto sector. Home security assessments will be made available, and safety briefings from law enforcement will guide families on best practices. Retailleau said these measures are meant to “prevent, dissuade and hinder” any further assaults. Prevent? Dissuade? Hinder? Sounds like my attempts to diet! 😂

High-Profile Attacks This Year (Oy, the Mishigas!)

Based on reports, three major incidents have shaken France in just a few months. On May 13, attackers tried to snatch the daughter and grandson of Paymium CEO Pierre Noizat in broad daylight. In broad daylight! The nerve!

An attempted kidnapping this week of the daughter of a #cryptocurrency platform boss in #Paris, has sparked calls to bolster security.

It was the 3rd such violent incident in #France this year.

by @leelajacinto

— FRANCE 24 English (@France24_en) May 16, 2025

On May 3, Paris police freed a crypto executive’s father who had been held for several days in a €7 million kidnapping plot—about $7.8 million at today’s rates. Seven million! They couldn’t ask for less? Sheesh!

And back on January 21, David Balland, co‑founder of hardware wallet maker Ledger, was taken from his home and held overnight until a police raid secured his release the next day. Overnight! I bet he didn’t get a mint on his pillow. 😠

Growing Toll Since 2014 (Gevalt!)

Law enforcement records show more than 150 crypto‑related robberies or kidnappings since 2014. Of those, 23 cases happened in 2025 alone. That rise has alarmed both officials and industry leaders. Alarmed! You think?

Many of the criminals track potential targets via social media posts, meetups and public events before making their move. So, stop bragging about your Lambos, ya schmucks! 🙄

Advice From Experts (Take it With a Grain of Salt!)

Bitcoin cypherpunk Jameson Lopp has warned against peer‑to-peer trades with strangers. He advises against flaunting wealth on social channels or wearing crypto‑branded gear in public. No kidding, Sherlock!

His tips include splitting holdings between “hot” and “cold” storage, using regulated exchanges and hiring vetted security teams for high‑risk individuals. Vetted security teams! Sounds expensive! Maybe just hire a good Bubbe with a rolling pin. 💪

What Comes Next (Who Knows?!)

Some industry insiders expect France to form a dedicated crypto‑crime task force. Others think tougher prison terms for ransom kidnappers could act as a stronger deterrent. Tougher prison terms! How about making them watch my movies 24/7? That’ll teach ’em! 🤣

Meanwhile, executives are likely to rethink how visible they are at conferences and online. Maybe they should just stay home and play mahjong. 🀄

As the crypto market grows, so does its appeal to criminals. With these new measures, France hopes to stay one step ahead of those who see digital assets as a quick way to make a ransom demand. Good luck with that! 🤞

Authorities say they will keep adjusting their approach as needed, watching the numbers and listening to families who feel exposed. Watching the numbers! Like watching paint dry! 😴

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2025-05-17 17:49