Crypto Was Supposed To Be Punk, Not Cosplaying As JP Morgan In Silicon Valley Drag

Is it just me, or does it feel like crypto’s core vibe went out for a smoke and never came back? 🚬

Let’s take it from the top: crypto burst onto the scene in 2008—right after the banks crashed the world economy and everyone wondered if the only thing too big to fail was irony itself. Bitcoin wasn’t just some nerd’s “science project,” it was a giant “screw you” in PDF form. Real sharp, too. No one made money for ages. Glory days.

Fast forward, and the darling outcast of the financial world is at the prom. Bitcoin ETFs, fintech companies in starched shirts pretending they “get it,” and politicians mugging for the camera like it’s bitcoin that was really on The Apprentice. Blockchain: it’s now safe for Mom, Dave from accounting, and the guy behind the deli counter. Hurrah?

And yet…(I hesitate, dramatically, while glancing at the invisible camera)… why does it feel like the special sauce got replaced with corporate mayonnaise?

Crypto was born as a rebellion, not a rebrand of Wall Street with bonus hashtags. Cypherpunk values: anti-censorship, self-sovereignty, privacy—you know, things you don’t usually find in a Stripe press release. 🤷‍♀️

But now? Stripe is gobbling up crypto startups like kids at an awkward birthday party. Big fintech has entered the chat, Circle’s ringing the NYSE opening bell, and somewhere, a Bitcoin ETF exec is yelling, “We’re disruptive!” into a Bluetooth headset. That isn’t validation—that’s self-preservation. Hold the applause.

Message to the suits: gobbling crypto doesn’t mean you’ve joined the movement. You just learned to pronounce “blockchain” without sweating.

Meanwhile, crypto is supposed to give power back. Not a carefully curated PowerPoint on “stakeholder engagement.” Peer-to-peer, not peer-to-SEC. Where did all the weirdos go? Can the actual cypherpunks please stop hiding behind the potted plants?

Then there’s this political courtship. Oh yes, how romantic: the GENIUS Act, presidential handshakes, Coinbase strutting like the belle of the bipartisan ball. Suddenly crypto is less “Occupy Wall Street” and more “Occupy That Slot Between Apple and Google Lobbyists.” 🕺🇺🇸

Case in point: Coinbase sponsoring a Trump-adjacent military parade. No, really. Not a Black Mirror plotline. I checked.

This isn’t “left-vs-right,” it’s “did-you-forget-what-you-stand-for?” Coinbase, the very people who said they don’t do political distractions, now seem to love them more than Satoshi loved pseudonyms. The CEO is headhunting ex-DOGE staffers with an almost poetic call to arms: swap your fatigues for financial disruption. What could possibly go wrong?

Aligning your whole brand with the state is…well, about as punk as a karaoke night at the Treasury. Please: just once, sponsor something that isn’t a thinly veiled pitch for regulatory hugs.

But Coinbase isn’t the only one. Crypto-funded super PACs are pouring dollars into politics like it’s vodka at a startup Christmas party. Ripple is now lobbying so hard you wonder if they think “decentralization” is a District of Columbia suburb. Don’t get me started on FTX—unless you love the smell of burnt goodwill in the morning.

Look: we’re not on a slippery slope. We’re slip ‘n sliding, face first, shrieking something about decentralization while clutching compliance documents like a teddy bear.

Here’s the deal: cypherpunk is not a distressed aesthetic or a clever Twitter handle. It’s building tools that leave the banks, the governments, and—and yes—even bored billionaires looking a bit sheepish. It’s about less surveillance, more privacy, and the wild idea that freedom should not come with a subscription fee.

Crypto people, can we—just briefly—drop the seasoning of “mainstream adoption” and get back to the reason we started? It is not about replicating the system with a fancier PowerPoint. It is about making the old system irrelevant, or at least slightly annoyed on LinkedIn.

Regulatory engagement? Sure. But don’t mistake a polite nod from regulators for a standing ovation. Playing the game is fine—losing the plot is not. If we wanted corporate consensus, we’d have become bankers, or, heaven forbid, insurance adjusters. 🥲

Crypto was born to unsettle the powerful—not to pander at their parties. Not to chase political breadcrumbs, but to build a bakery where everyone gets a slice. The point isn’t to “win” favor, but to make it unnecessary. Not to build brands, but actual freedom.

The real cypherpunks probably aren’t in this room. But maybe it’s time they (and the rest of us) climbed back onto the stage. Microphone in hand. Oversized sunglasses optional, oddly specific sense of purpose not.

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2025-06-17 21:32