Ukraine’s Bold Bitcoin Gambit: Is The National Bank Going Crypto-Crazy?

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On a balmy June day in 2025, in the echoing chambers of the IX convocation—where ennui and the ghosts of prior legislative blunders tend to lurk—there materialized Bill 13356. The “Economic Policy” crowd, yet again feverishly clutching their fountain pens, rallied under the inspired leadership of gentlemen named Zheleznyak, Zhmerenetskyi, and Buzhanskyi, each sounding suspiciously like a different type of Eastern European dessert. 🍰

Their mission? To drag the National Bank of Ukraine, perhaps kicking and screaming, into the twenty-first century by bestowing upon it the right to sprinkle a little Bitcoin (and its flashy digital friends) atop the usual old bullion and boring foreign notes. One imagines frazzled clerks trying to explain the concept of private keys to their septuagenarian supervisors: “No, sir, you can’t melt it down, and no, you can’t keep it beneath your mattress.”

Strategic and Political Support

Of course, all this delirium couldn’t proceed unmolested, so the Scheme has been dispatched to various committees:

  • Finance, Tax, and Customs Policy (“Remind me, is Bitcoin taxed per pixel or per meme?”)
  • Committee on Digital Transformation (featuring that one MP who still uses a flip phone)
  • Committee on Budget (where dreams go to die)
  • Committee on Anti-Corruption Policy (insert nervous laughter here)
  • Committee on European Integration (now with extra bureaucracy!)

Proponents, shamelessly optimistic, claim this is the future: Bitcoin in the state vault, shining alongside grandpa’s gold. Economic resilience, they murmur, chin held high, as if the country’s fortunes depend on hodling. Frankly, it might as well—there are worse strategies (see: letting the neighbor’s goat pick your reserve currencies).

Momentum Builds Across Europe

Ukraine, never one to miss an opportunity for either glory or notoriety, now finds itself at the vanguard of a chic digital monetary trend. Everyone wants a slice of decentralized cake: inflation, sanctions, and geopolitics be damned, there’s crypto for that. 🍰

Should this legislative fever make it past the final round of bureaucratic wrangling, Ukraine could boast the dubious distinction of becoming the first European nation to stick Bitcoin in its state coffers. Crypto’s global integration: possibly the most ambitious financial adventure since a certain chap bet the farm on tulips.

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2025-06-18 00:31