While the Fed, like a weary pianist, left the volume of interest rates unchanged, Powell’s tone was a hawkish hiss 🐍—investors, ever the drama queens, gasped into their lattes.
Calling inflation a “tariff-induced toddler tantrum,” Powell warned of more price hikes ahead, as if the economy were a mischievous pup yet to be housebroken. September rate cuts? A “maybe” whispered through a closed fist—classic Fed jargon for “we’re lost, but we’ll text you.”
The crypto market, predictably, threw a fit. Bitcoin stumbled to $116,000 like a drunkard on a pogo stick, then rallied to $117,000 with the grace of a caffeinated squirrel. One might call it “resilient,” but let’s be honest: it’s just desperate for attention.
Rate cut hopes? Crushed like a soda can after a picnic. CME FedWatch numbers dropped from 63.7% to 47.1%—a slump that would make a Victorian heroine weep into her handkerchief. October and December forecasts? A fog so thick even GPS admits defeat.
All eyes now dart toward tomorrow’s PCE report, the Fed’s favorite game of “hot or not” with inflation. If it’s cooler than a polar bear’s ice cream cone, markets might finally stop pretending they’re in a horror movie.
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2025-07-31 01:31