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The victim, Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan (yes, that’s a name straight out of a Dickens novel), claims he endured weeks of what can only be described as “fraternity hazing meets medieval dungeon.” Bound by the wrists, drugged, electrocuted, pistol-whipped, and dangled over a staircase like some macabre marionette—all because Woeltz wanted access to Carturan’s Bitcoin wallet. Truly, it seems the phrase “HODL” took on a whole new meaning here. 🎭

To truly grasp the gravity of this situation, one must cast a discerning eye upon the historical charts of large transactions. Once upon a time, whales would engage in grandiose transactions, moving trillions in a single day, their splashes echoing through the blockchain. Now, however, we find ourselves in a desert of activity, where the current transactions barely register on the radar of interest.

Why, you ask? Well, our charming prophet Hayes blames a cocktail of macroeconomic hangovers and global credit is so sluggish, it makes a tortoise look like a cheetah. Apparently, the market’s riding a seesaw of doom following the coming US tariff bill (ooh, spill the tea!) and a global financial yawn fest. ☕📉

On August 2nd, Egrag Crypto dropped a technical bombshell, painting a picture of XRP’s current correction as a storm that can only be calmed by two paths. One, a daily close above $3.12, which would be like finding a golden ticket in a dumpster. Two, a retest of $2.65, the last bastion of hope. Fail that, and the market might spiral into a $2.19 abyss—because nothing says “optimism” like a 20% crash. 🚨

Picture this: A Chinese Bitcoin mining pool named LuBian, once basking in the glory of being the sixth-largest player in the crypto cosmos, wakes up one fine December morning to discover that Santa Claus has come early—but instead of gifts, he’s left behind an empty treasury. Yes, you heard that right. On the 28th of December 2020, someone (or something) hacked LuBian and walked away with a staggering 127,426 BTC. That’s roughly $3.5 billion at the time—or, if you fast-forward to today’s prices, a jaw-dropping $14.5 billion. Fourteen. Point. Five. Billion. Dollars. 😱