Bankers Panic: JPMorgan Chase Sneaks Into Drone Wars – See What They’re Buying!

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In a move that would make even Ankh-Morpork’s Guild of Thieves proud, the largest and most well-lubricated financial octopus in the US (that’s JPMorgan Chase, if you missed the tentacles), has quietly stuffed some of its pocket change into a company called Droneshield. Why? Because nothing says prudent banking like betting on gadgets designed to yank irritating airborne gizmos out of the sky. 🛸

Secret documents (the kind no one is ever supposed to read but everyone does anyway) reveal Chase now holds a rather plump 5.31% of Droneshield shares, becoming what finance folk delightfully call a “significant holder.” Presumably, they get a special badge and perhaps a handshake from a bespectacled accountant.

Droneshield, an outfit hailing from the far-flung mythic land of New South Wales, Australia (where the spiders are bigger than some people’s budgets), fiddles with radio frequency wizardry, artificial intelligence, and electronic warfare. Their business: stopping drones, deterring drones, absolutely not providing drones with uplifting pep talks.

Their clientele stretches from governments to military, law enforcement, VIPs, and anyone else prone to muttering, “What the devil is THAT in my airspace?” So if you’ve ever wanted your own private anti-drone brigade, start queuing and bring a sack of gold.

As of this writing, Droneshield shares are doing their best impersonation of an over-caffeinated kangaroo—up 132% since January 1st, and an eye-popping 1,475% from the dim days of 2020. Each share now fetches $1.34 AUD, which gets you roughly 87 American cents or a very small latte in New York. ☕

JPMorgan’s not alone in this skyward scramble. Vanguard, Charles Schwab, Fidelity, and State Street have all elbowed their way into the Droneshield pie, presumably hoping sprinkles of AI and electronic warfare add flavor to their asset portfolios.

Meanwhile, Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s commander-in-chief and winner of the “Best Poker Face” contest three years running, has been surreptitiously selling off his own stash of JPMorgan shares. 133,639 shares offloaded in April for just over $31.5 million. Back in February, he waved goodbye to 866,361 shares, netting about $233.78 million, which should buy a decent weekend in Discworld (minus a small fortune lost to CMOT Dibbler’s sausages-inna-bun).

Lest ye be worried for the bankers, JPMorgan shares are nevertheless enjoying a 13.8% rise this year, trading at $253 apiece. Dream big. Or at least, bigger than an Australian drone.

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2025-05-03 11:25