Stop the presses! Bitcoin has jumped higher than Mel Brooks at a disco—$104,900 and climbing, all because President Donald “Deal Maker Deluxe” Trump dropped one of his signature bombshells on Truth Social about a “total reset” with China. 2% up! And my mother’s still waiting for her investments in Beanie Babies to pay off. Go figure. 🕺💸
Trump Yaks, Crypto Cracks Champagne, Altcoins Throw Their Own Bar Mitzvah
The bitcoin (BTC) schmoozefest spilled over to major altcoins too—Ethereum and Dogecoin are celebrating like they just found out they’re tax-deductible. Trump took to Truth Social, where all good market rallies begin, and declared: “A very good meeting today with China, in Switzerland. Many things discussed, much agreed to. A total reset negotiated in a friendly, but constructive, manner.” He didn’t mention if there were snacks. 🍪
Then, in classic form, Trump added:
We want to see, for the good of both China and the U.S., an opening up of China to American business. GREAT PROGRESS MADE!!! (Somebody get this guy a confetti cannon already!)
Just before this, the diplomats were in Geneva—because where else do you go for a high-level negotiation? Vegas?—trying to untangle a mess of tariffs that even my Aunt Rhoda couldn’t knit together with her eyes closed.
Wall Street traders got whiplash—the good kind—as soon as Trump opened his mouth. (Or his app. Or his mouth on his app.) Whenever those two global heavyweight champs, China and the U.S., even glance at each other, Bitcoin gets more excited than Yogurt finding the Schwartz.
Meanwhile, Ethereum burst out of bed, up 10% to $2,600. Dogecoin stretched, yawned, and rocketed up 21%—nearly $0.25! Not since the Three Stooges met Hitler have we seen such a slapstick market move. Crypto is now so connected to world drama, it wants its own daytime soap. As of 8:45 p.m. Eastern, BTC was trading at $104,457 a pop—my heart can’t take this much excitement. Someone bring smelling salts!
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2025-05-11 04:01