Bitcoin Kidnapping: The Absurdity of Human Greed and Misfortune

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Ah, dear reader, gather ’round as we delve into the latest chapter of this grotesque farce, where the absurdity of human nature is laid bare! Just days after the notorious crypto investor, John Woeltz, found himself in the clutches of the law for his role in a most shocking SoHo torture case, we are graced with the presence of a second suspect, the illustrious William Duplessie, aged 33. He, in a moment of what can only be described as a tragicomic twist of fate, turned himself in at the 13th Precinct in Manhattan. How noble! Or perhaps just a tad misguided? 🤔

Woeltz, a sprightly 37, had already captured the headlines with his audacious accusations of kidnapping and torturing a hapless Italian soul in a rented eight-bedroom townhouse—because, of course, nothing says “I’m a successful businessman” quite like a lavish torture chamber! But lo and behold, prosecutors now whisper that he did not embark on this dark journey alone. Duplessie, believed to be Woeltz’s partner in crime (and perhaps in questionable life choices), now faces the same grave charges. What a delightful duo! 🎭

In this original tale of woe, the victim was lured to the bustling streets of New York with threats that would make even the most hardened criminal shudder. Once ensnared within the walls of the Prince Street townhouse, he was held captive for a staggering 17 days. During this time, he endured a veritable buffet of horrors: beatings, electric shocks, and the forced inhalation of crack cocaine. Oh, the humanity! And as if that weren’t enough, he was subjected to the indignities of being cut with a saw, urinated upon, and threatened with a firearm—all in a desperate, yet utterly ludicrous, attempt to extract his Bitcoin password. One can only imagine the absurdity of it all! 💰

Now, as the court proceedings unfold, we learn that Woeltz, in a display of remarkable cowardice, has chosen to waive his scheduled court appearances this week. A true hero of our time! Meanwhile, prosecutors unveil more evidence, including harrowing photographs of the victim with a firearm pressed to his head, adorned in t-shirts depicting his own torment. Truly, a fashion statement for the ages! 📸

The townhouse, a veritable treasure trove of disturbing items, was rented for a princely sum of up to $40,000 a month. It was filled with body armor, night vision goggles, crack cocaine, and ammunition—because who doesn’t need a little extra firepower in their life? Law enforcement, in their diligent search, also discovered blood in multiple rooms. The alleged victim, in a moment of sheer brilliance, managed to escape by tricking his captors into believing his crypto wallet password was stored on his laptop. When Woeltz left the room, the victim dashed barefoot from the townhouse, seeking salvation. A true escape artist! 🏃‍♂️💨

Duplessie’s lawyer, in a display of theatrical flair, informed the court that his client voluntarily surrendered and disputed his role in this tragicomedy of errors. He implored the judge to allow Duplessie to post a $1 million bail and reside under house arrest in sunny Florida. The judge, however, was not swayed by such pleas. Prosecutors, ever vigilant, warned that these suspects possessed the means to flee, with Woeltz allegedly having access to both a private jet and a helicopter. Ah, the irony! Both suspects remain behind bars, where they await the grim specter of serious prison time. What a delightful conclusion to this farcical tale! 🏛️

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2025-05-29 19:01