Bitcoin Plummets as Senate Sleepwalks Through Crypto Crisis 😴📉

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The golden beast of Bitcoin, with its gilded fur shimmering at $97,000, danced a waltz of false hope this week, buoyed by the gilded carriages of US spot Bitcoin ETFs. Yet, as the moon waxed and waned, BTC slithered back toward the $95,000 abyss, a victim of the US Senate Banking Committee’s latest bureaucratic tango-delaying a crypto bill with the urgency of a sloth on espresso. 🤷♂️

Bitcoin’s Descent Amid Regulatory Whimsy

Bitcoin, that fickle lover of markets, tumbled toward $95,000 after a brief flirtation with $97.8K, leaving investors clutching their wallets like children in a candy store with no coins. The plunge? A consequence of the Senate Banking Committee’s grand performance-postponing its review of a crypto bill slated for Thursday, while Coinbase, once a suitor to the legislation, now winks and says, “Too many issues. Let’s just… not.” 🎭

The bill, birthed Monday by the Senate Banking Committee, seeks to classify crypto tokens as either securities or commodities-a task as delicate as separating Siamese twins with a chainsaw. It also dares to clarify the SEC’s dominion over this Wild West, a move that has crypto firms gnashing their teeth and lobbyists sharpening their quills. 📜

This legislative charade follows years of crypto firms begging for rules, only to now trip over their own feet. Coinbase’s CEO, Brian Armstrong, now claims the bill is so flawed, he’d rather sip tea with Vladimir Putin than support it. A masterclass in corporate flip-flopping. ☕🇷🇺

Regulators, still reeling from Biden’s “crypto crackdown” era, accuse firms of breaking laws like they’re breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, crypto’s defenders argue existing rules are as outdated as a dial-up modem. A tale of two worlds, colliding with all the grace of a drunk elephant. 🐘

The Senate Banking Committee, poised to debate the Clarity Act (a name as ironic as a politician’s promise), canceled its session last-minute. Why? Armstrong declared the bill would “make the current chaos look like a tea party.” Now, he’d rather live in crypto’s lawless frontier than sign up for this legislative dumpster fire. 🚨

Long-Liquidation’s Carnival of Chaos

Bitcoin now trades near $95,416, a 0.5% dip in 24 hours, while Ethereum crumples 1.3% to $3,300. Altcoins? They’re the awkward cousin at the family reunion, hiding in the corner with a lukewarm can of soda. Investors, ever the cautious romantics, have retreated to the safety of cash-waiting for clarity that will never come. 💸

Read more: As Bitcoin Nears $100K, Analyst Maps What’s Next for ETH, XRP, SOL, LINK and ADA (Spoiler: It’s chaos). 🌪️

Earlier this week, Bitcoin surged to a two-month high amid global tensions-a geopolitical soap opera involving Iran and the US. Yet, the real star was the $1.7 billion influx into spot Bitcoin ETFs, a financial spectacle that made Wall Street weep with joy (or existential dread). 🎬

But here we are: $100 million in long liquidations, per Coinglass, as traders panic like they’ve lost their Wi-Fi. Will Bitcoin survive the week above $100K? Only time will tell-or maybe not. The Senate’s moving at the speed of a glacier, after all. 🐢

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2026-01-15 22:03