Bitcoin Stampede! Why Gobbling Up BTC is Now a Race Between You & Very Hungry Billionaires

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Just when you thought you had all the time in the world to snag some shiny digital coins, Sergej Kunz—wizardly co-founder of the absurdly named 1inch—has news that will shake your breakfast cereal: the giants are coming, and they’re bringing very large wallets.

Bitcoin (BTC), once the quirky currency of internet gremlins and adventurous aunties, is morphing into a glittering magic coin piled high in the treasure vaults of institutional ogres. Kunz sounded the alarm at CryptoMoon’s LONGITUDE gathering in Dubai (seriously, is that a lunar science experiment or a crypto conference?), warning that soon the only thing retail folks might be able to afford is a nice commemorative photo of a Bitcoin.

“Every regular Joe and Jolene should be scrambling for a whole Bitcoin now—soon, not even a half will be had for pocket change,” he bellowed atop his metaphorical mountain.

But wait—there’s more apocalyptic fun! Should the United States decide to start shoveling Bitcoins into its reserve just to flex those international muscles, even the smaller countries will be left to scrabble for digital crumbs. “Watch out, world! The US will start the whole ‘my Bitcoin pile is bigger than yours’ contest,” Kunz declared, giddy as a goblin at a gold auction.

How did we get here? President Trump (never one to shy away from dramatic gestures) slapped tariffs on imports in April and accidentally set off a global trade war. The result: Everyone wants a hedge, and unfortunately, no actual shrubbery is accepted. Enter Bitcoin! It’s borderless, inflates less than a bouncy castle, and you can’t use it as a doorstop, which makes it priceless. “The only real hedge left standing is Bitcoin!” quipped Yat Siu of Animoca Brands, possibly waving a magic wand for effect.

Global Reserve Asset? (Is There a Secret Gold Cape?) 🦸‍♂️🦸‍♀️

During the week of April 21-25—yes, the week everyone forgot their lunch—Bitcoin ETF inflows ballooned like Aunt Petunia after a slice of Wonka’s Blueberry Pie: more than $3 billion! Institutions piled in, craving a bit of that “digital gold” taste, as the world grew spookier by the hour.

Analysts are now flapping their arms and shouting that Bitcoin may soar to $200,000 per coin this year—assuming, of course, the moon doesn’t run out of cheese. By 2029, André Dragosch of Bitwise predicts institutional hunger could push Bitcoin past $1 million. At this point, even dragons are jealous.

David Siemer from Wave Digital Assets tossed in his two pence (or 0.00005 Bitcoin): whenever economies get wobbly, money managers charge toward digital assets with the reckless gusto of children in a chocolate shop. Turns out, panic is the ultimate marketing tool.

As of May 1, institutional funds and ETFs are hoarding $128 billion in BTC—enough to buy a small planet or an exquisitely large collection of golden spoons. Corporate coffers bulge with another $73 billion. Governments—including the US, China, and the UK—hold over $130 billion worth, if you count the coins seized by law-keepers (and who doesn’t love a police auction?).

So, if you’re still pondering whether to gather spare change for a Bitcoin of your own, better get those skates on—before you’re left fighting over satoshis in a land of giants and their very, very big Bitcoin lunchboxes. 🏦🚀

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2025-05-02 00:01