Bitcoin Zombifies Tulips After 17 Years of Survival Sorcery 🌱⚡

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Behold! The once-maligned Bitcoin, that cosmic jellyfish with a ledger in its crown, now roams Earth untouchable, scoffing at the “Tulip Bubble” and its quaint three-year demise. AETF analyst Eric Balchunas, presiding over Bloomberg’s cryptic oracle, declares with the solemnity of a 17th-century tulip merchant: “Never! Never compare our noble BTC to those fragrant peacocks!” 😂

“The tulips,” he intoned, “were curious flowers with more luxury than sense. They rose, inflated like a Persian balloon at a party, then collapsed in 1637 with the subtlety of a champagne cork from Mars.” But Bitcoin, he boasted, had danced through seven extinction storms, survived regulatory saber-rattlers, and still sauntered toward all-time highs with the poise of a sultan in a hammam. 🌟

“The mere fact it hasn’t drowned in its own novelty is worth a thousand tulips. And 250% gains! Forgive me if I side with coins over bulbs 🌿💰.”

Oh, what cruel slanders, these zealots who spat on Bitcoin and faced the Byzantine wrath of hodlers! Michael Burry, the apostle of shorting hymns, once called it “the tulip of the millennials,” while JPMorgan’s sultan of silver grumbles “fraud!” in a petulant fog. Spoiler: history remembers who ended up in the gutter. 🚽

Tulips: The OG Pump-and-Dump Loam 🌸

In the Netherlands of yore, when the Golden Age was more gilded than golden, tulips sprouted like gossip and sank like debt. First, a bulb. Then, a house. Next, ruin. Like a Shakespearian tragedy with more fistfights (alledgedly). 🍴

Prices soared in 1634, crashed in ’37 with the elegance of a meteor, and history dubbed it the “first bubble.” How pedestrian! One collapse, and they’re done for. Bitcoin, meanwhile, weathered a halving (cosmic famine!), a crypto-plague panic (halfgrenades!), and still resurged like a phoenix in crypto-economic alchemy. 🎓

BTC v2.0: The Ugly Duckling That’s Now a Dragon 🐉

Balchunas, veiled in ETF divinity, scoffed at skeptics: “Yes, Bitcoin isn’t a factory-or your grandma’s Picasso. But neither is gold! Neither is that rare stamp you bribed me with!” He paused for effect, then declared: “Not all value clings to factories. Some float like jellyfish, armed with Byzantine math and anonymity!” 🧠

“Gold? A mountain of bling. Picasso? A chaos of color. Bitcoin? A graffiti tag in the blockchain cathedral. Call it a bubble if you wish… but bubbles don’t sing hymns of survival. 🎵

Garry Krug, that sage of German Bitcoin vaults, nodded sagely: “What bubble outlasts halvings, crashes, and tweets from planets away? None! Call it sorcery, call it ‘the future of money’-BTC is a phoenix with a 21M cap. It must endure.” 🌌

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2025-12-07 07:44