BTC ETFs Soar $238M, ETH Funds Finally Stop Bleeding 💸

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At the week’s end, the crypto ETFs-Bitcoin’s, Ether’s, and even Solana’s-briefly shrugged off their existential crises to siphon capital back into their hollowed-out coffers. A temporary truce between greed and despair, it seems, was brokered by the invisible hand of market chaos. 🐉

On Friday, Bitcoin ETFs clawed back $238.4 million, a paltry sum compared to Thursday’s $903 million hemorrhage, but enough to make BlackRock’s IBIT gloat like a toddler with a lollipop. Smaller players like BITB and ARKB contributed their pittance, while GBTC, long the poster child for institutional failure, managed $61.5 million-a miracle akin to snow in the Sahara. ❄️

The previous day’s carnage had left investors clutching their portfolios like lifelines, with IBIT shedding $355.5 million and FBTC coughing up $190.4 million. GBTC, the eternal pariah, lost $199.4 million, proving that even a broken clock can outlive its usefulness. 🕰️

Ether Funds Snap 8-Day Outflow Streak

Ether ETFs, after eight days of sobriety (or what passes for it in crypto), finally took a hit of $55.7 million on Friday, led by Fidelity’s FETH, which injected $95.4 million like a defibrillator to the blockchain heart. A recovery? Hardly. Just a pause in the slow-motion train wreck. 🚂

The preceding week, from Nov. 11-20, had seen Ethereum funds lose $1.28 billion-a financial famine in a market that thrives on famine and feast. Now, they breathe again, if only to prepare for the next collapse. 🌪️

Solana ETFs, meanwhile, march to the beat of their own drum-literally. Since launch, the five funds have raked in $510 million, with Bitwise’s BSOL leading the charge at $444 million. Ten days of inflows later, one might think they’ve discovered the secret to happiness: a 10-day streak of investor naivety. 🤡

Ether Traders Tentatively Add Longs

Ether’s 15% plunge this week liquidated $460 million in long positions, a reminder that the altcoin market is less a financial instrument and more a Russian roulette wheel with infinite bullets. Yet, like moths to a flame, traders are tentatively returning, adding longs as if hoping the fire will cool. 🔥

Derivatives data suggests bullish demand is still a ghost, but futures funding rates rising from 4% to 6% offer a glimmer of hope-or a flicker of madness. After all, stabilization is just another word for temporary insanity. 🤯

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2025-11-22 16:12