The entire crypto market collectively lost $144 billion in a few hours. That’s more than my entire dating history’s worth of disappointment. Ethereum, XRP, and Solana followed Bitcoin’s lead like sad little ducklings trailing their depressed mother.
Whales are playing it cool, trimming their longs or shorting quietly while retail investors leap in like they’re betting on a crypto Santa to deliver riches. Classic! This setup? Sideways movement, baby-just like March and April, when the market danced like a cat watching a laser dot. 🐾🌀
The talking heads attribute this latest bout of unpleasantness to liquidations and “high volatility,” a phrase as useful as a chocolate teapot. The truth, however, is far more depressing. It appears the buyers – those enthusiastic participants in the upward spiral – have simply lost their enthusiasm. A perfectly normal correction, one might have thought, but instead, it became a rather undignified rout. One begins to wonder if these digital tulips are not quite as resilient as advertised.
The crypto market cap dropped 5% to $3.04 trillion, because why not? Bitcoin slipped 5.2% to $86,238, Ethereum cried its way to $2,833 (down 6%), BNB tripped at $828 (down 5.5%), and XRP said “hold my beer” and slid 7% to $2.05. 🥴
In the first eight days post-approval, issuers have already snapped up over 1% of XRP’s total circulating supply, creating a supply squeeze tighter than a corset at a Victorian ball. The market, it seems, is playing a game of musical chairs with a side of panic.
Bitcoin, our brooding digital monarch, has bowed from its lofty throne of $90K+ to a meek $86,744-a fall of over 4% in the past day. One almost hears the faint sound of margin calls being answered in tears. Its market cap, now lounging near $1.73 trillion, watches the chaos with the detached amusement of a bored aristocrat. Ethereum? Alas, our ethereal poet of smart contracts, has slunk down to $2,841, tacking on a 5% weekly decline like a trench coat in winter. And XRP-the eternally hopeful, perpetually sued court jester-slips to $2.06 after shedding more than 6% like an overfed snake discarding skin. 🐍💸
Now, don’t go thinking it’s been all smooth sailing and champagne cocktails. Oh no, there’ve been more ups and downs than a game of tennis at Queen’s. After hitting 14.6% in early 2022, the ratio took a header, plunging to 5.4% by September of that year. It then pottered about like a lost tourist in Piccadilly Circus until the end of 2024. 🌀
Ethereum’s prodigal son, Vitalik Buterin, has once again donned his intellectual top hat to warn Zcash against the seductive waltz of token-based governance. In a November 30, 2025, social media missive, he declared that entrusting decisions to the “median token holder” could turn Zcash into a playground for the wealthy-a dystopia where privacy becomes a subscription service. “Token voting is subpar,” he sniffed, “and I’ve seen worse at a Parisian café.”
Two figures, Qiao Wang and Haseeb Qureshi, have stepped onto the stage this week, their words clashing like swords in a duel of ideologies. Their exchange reveals a philosophical chasm that may well dictate the fate of token investments henceforth.
Texas, that rebellious cowboy state, boldly steps into the digital rodeo, snagging its very first Bitcoin for the treasury-because what’s more patriotic than a bitcoiner with a cowboy hat? Meanwhile, Crypto Dispensers contemplates dumping a cool $100 million-probably to buy a beachfront bunker-after being accused of laundering enough money to buy a small country, or at least a really fancy yacht. Not to be outdone, Ohio’s finest proposed a bold idea: paying taxes in Bitcoin, turning Uncle Sam into the world’s richest crypto custodian, with a sprinkle of conspiracy sauce on top. 🤠💸