Not a single asset dares to rise; all twenty are mired in the quagmire of despair. Even the mighty DOT and BNB, with their losses of -0.6% and -1.9%, can barely hold their heads above the murky waters. And let us not forget the hapless UNI and AAVE, trailing behind with -4.9% and -4.4% respectively. Truly, a carnival of calamity!
Jerome Powell’s impending exit from the Fed (his four-year term ends May 15) is less of a retirement and more of a midlife crisis. The second-to-last FOMC meeting before his swan song? Let’s just say it’s less “farewell tour” and more “hold my beer, I’ll pivot on rates.”
So, apparently, the big fish in the XRP pond are feeling extra frisky on Hyperliquid. CoinGlass says they’re 160% long, which basically means they’re betting XRP is going to the moon. Or maybe they just really like the color blue. Who knows with these whales? They’ve got $2.04 billion on the line, so let’s hope they’re not just flipping coins.
Elon Musk‘s X is tightening the screws on spam, bots, and low-effort content like a parent trying to get their kid to clean their room. With these shiny new tools, conversations on the platform are set for a makeover that’ll make even Cinderella jealous!
WazirX had a productive March, starting with the release of a detailed guide on March 13th for its new crypto futures product. This product allows users to trade perpetual contracts in Indian Rupees (INR) with leverage up to 20 times the initial investment.
The tokens in question, those unfortunate souls destined for delisting, include Arena-Z (A2Z), a name that evokes visions of grand coliseums; the Ampleforth Governance Token (FORTH), which sounds rather like a noble knight but alas, is merely a fleeting mirage in this digital field; Hooked Protocol (HOOK), which seems to suggest a catch of some sort-perhaps a baited hook meant to ensnare unsuspecting investors; IDEX (IDEX), Loopring (LRC), Neutron (NTRN), Radiant Capital (RDNT), and Solar (SXP)-a veritable cast of characters doomed to exit stage left.
In a post on his X page, Alderoty maintained Ripple “always knew that XRP was not a security.” A sentiment so profound it might have been etched into the marble of the Supreme Court.
Bitcoin, the leading cryptocurrency, has risen slightly, gaining just 0.4% since midnight UTC. It recovered from a low of $73,500 and is now trying to find a new price floor, potentially setting the stage for a larger price increase.
Global digital asset firm GSR, which now seems to be a real estate company for crypto startups, announced the acquisition of Autonomous and Architech in New York on March 17, 2026. Let’s hope they remembered to pay rent this time. Autonomous will keep its name, probably because they’re terrified of change or maybe they just like the sound of their own branding. Architech, meanwhile, becomes GSR’s new Digital Asset Advisory division-because nothing screams ‘advice’ like a company name that sounds like a tech support call.
This strange marriage of new features and rampant scams unveils a fleeting chasm of vulnerability, a stage set for the grand performance of chaos as the platform juggles its spam defenses amidst the confusion.