Cryptonews

Summary

YoungHoon Kim, a man whose IQ of 276 allegedly qualifies him to converse with squirrels about quantum economics, posted on social media that XRP could dethrone Ethereum’s market cap by 2026. He added that this was “just vibes” and not financial advice, which is lawyer-speak for “don’t sue me when this goes sideways.”

Enter stage left: the evergreen Cassandra of crypto, Mike McGlone of Bloomberg Intelligence, who insists $10K is the new black for Bitcoin. Not a prediction for tomorrow, mind you, but a cheerful reminder that markets, like overzealous debutantes, swing from euphoria to despair with alarming zeal. “Catastrophe!” they cry, ignoring the inconvenient truth that volatility is the only constant this side of a Victorian divorce. 📉

According to their grand announcement (which probably involved a PowerPoint presentation with 37 slides), Project Eleven did a “quantum threat audit” on Solana and built a testnet using post-quantum digital signatures. They claim these transactions are “practical and scalable,” which is impressive if you ignore the fact that post-quantum crypto is usually slower than watching paint dry. 🐢

Caroline Ellison, the former CEO of the defunct venture capital firm Alameda Research and key witness in the FTX fraud trial, has reportedly transitioned out of the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution in Connecticut after serving 11 months of her two-year sentence. According to Federal Bureau of Prisons (BOP) records, Ellison was transferred on Oct. 16 to “community confinement,” a custodial arrangement where she will serve the remainder of her term in a halfway house or under home confinement. How glamorous.

After weeks of clingin’ to their tokens like a hog to mud, those noble creatures-the whales-have finally turned tail. With both spot and derivatives data whisperin’ “danger, Will Robinson!” the charts now hint at a 10% nosedive if key levels crumble like a biscuit in a thunderstorm.

In a delightful twist befitting a grand comedy of errors, Valour, a charming subsidiary of Nasdaq-listed DeFi Technologies, has received the coveted seal of approval to showcase its Solana Exchange Traded Product (ETP) on Brazil’s bustling B3 stock exchange. With this splendid addition, Valour not only expands its offerings in Brazil-where it has already charmed the likes of Bitcoin, Ethereum, XRP, and Sui-but also fortifies its ambition of global conquest. Who knew digital assets could be so romantic? 💘

Trump’s current confidants, Kevin Warsh and Kevin Hassett (yes, both named Kevin, as if the universe is mocking us), are already in the fray. Waller’s inclusion suggests the final decision is as fluid as a jazz improvisation. Policy alignment, not personal charm, is the name of the game-a refreshing change, or a recipe for disaster? Only time will tell.

He calls it a “lagging indicator,” which, let’s be honest, sounds like something you’d hear at a dinner party when everyone’s trying to sound intelligent but really just wants to talk about the weather. He even shared a chart showing every Bitcoin death cross dating back to 2011. Spoiler alert: the six-month median return after a death cross is +30% and the twelve-month is +89%. But who needs context when you’ve got statistics, right?

The latest tumble, one must note, is of particular import, for it has struck a technical target of no small consequence. What follows, you ask? Why, it hinges on whether this level holds firm or crumbles like a poorly baked soufflé. 🥄🍳