Cryptonews

In a meeting so high-level it probably required oxygen masks, Vice President Gibran Rakabuming Raka’s office listened intently as Bitcoin enthusiasts from Indonesia pitched their grand plan. The idea? Use surplus renewable energy (yes, the kind that doesn’t involve burning things) to mine Bitcoin faster than you can say “crypto millionaire.” 🌞⚡ It’s all part of a cunning scheme to modernize the economy, because nothing screams “progress” like digital gold.

Oh, Ethereum, thou art a most capricious creature! The once lofty digital steed now betrays signs of distribution most unseemly. Its noble ETFs, in a grand and unprecedented exodus, have witnessed the greatest withdrawal in memory-aligning tragically with that ignoble drop below $3,600. Could further woes lie in store? Only time (and fate) shall tell! 😏

Enter Cold Wallet-a crypto so new it still has that newborn-token smell. It’s already hoovered up $5.7M in presale faster than I hoover crisps, promising almost a 4,900% gain because, sure, maths is chill now. (I, meanwhile, still can’t figure out what 18% tip means.)

The setting: New York. The hero: Schwartz. The method: tools of the trade like rrdtool and Cacti (because if you’re going to have an existential crisis, you might as well make it graphable). Could he have just used a spreadsheet? Yes. Did he? No! For fate does not accept spreadsheets-it demands custom code, late at night, and a touch of tragic grandeur. 💻

This strategic merger promises to shower the newly formed entity with up to $640 million in gross proceeds, enough to make even the most stoic accountant raise an eyebrow. Initially, they have $31 million ready to snatch up Bitcoins faster than a cat chasing a laser pointer, along with the right to sell up to $400 million in equity. Talk about a treasure hunt!

After twelve months of frolicking with artificial intelligence, pricing will be renegotiated-assuming humanity hasn’t handed over the keys to our new silicon overlords by then. The General Services Administration (GSA) calls it “essentially no-cost,” which is either charmingly optimistic or wildly naïve. Either way, it’s government efficiency meets Silicon Valley spectacle. 🎭

Laser Digital, that sprightly offspring of the venerable Japanese investment bank Nomura, has snagged a limited license to peddle over-the-counter (OTC) crypto derivatives in the glittering oasis of Dubai. This operating permit, bestowed through the pilot system of the Virtual Asset Regulatory Authority (VARA), is akin to a golden ticket in the candy shop of regulated digital asset trading in the region. 🍬

The earnings per share stood at a modest $0.8, a stark contrast to the anticipated $0.18, a discrepancy that would make even the most stoic investor raise an eyebrow. Revenue, too, painted a gloomy picture, totaling $9.1 billion, a figure that paled in comparison to the $13.9 billion forecasted by analysts. It was as if the market had decided to play a cruel joke, one that left many wondering about the future of this once-promising star in the crypto universe.

On August the 6th, Bakkt did declare their intentions: acquiring a 30% stake in the illustriously anonymous Marusho Hotta from the esteemed RIZAP Group. This act of corporate bravado includes rebranding the tender little company as bitcoin.jp, installing their own presiding officer-Phillip Lord, no less-as Chief Executive, and announcing that Bitcoin and its ilk would now be woven into the very fabric of their financial tapestry. The domain bitcoin.jp has, naturally, been secured-what a coup!-as proof of their seriousness in establishing a veritable temple of corporate crypto worship.

Oh, but if our dear FLOKI slips beneath this critical support? Well, hold onto your hats, folks, because the downside might be more like a nosedive, and less like a cute little bounce. Traders are all a-buzz, nervously clutching their digital pearls, waiting for a sign of life or a spectacular failure. 😅