Cryptonews

$SOL is on a green arc to $250 after gaining 4.21% in the last 24 hours. For context, that’s the same amount of energy I put into my gym membership.

Now, if you’re sitting there thinking, “When’s this magical token happening?”-well, sit tight. Word on the street (and by “street” I mean the always trustworthy sources) is that Polymarket won’t launch its token until it’s properly back in the U.S. Thanks to their grand acquisition of the CFTC-approved QCX exchange, they’ve got some paperwork to clean up first. 🧹

A veritable carnival of crypto barons-Coinbase’s gilded puppeteers, Chainlink’s enigmatic weavers, Galaxy’s stargazers, Kraken’s tempestuous tycoons, Uniswap’s alchemists, Circle’s monetary magicians, and Ripple’s elusive phantoms-will convene this Wednesday with Senate Democrats, led by the ever-acerbic Senator Kirsten Gillibrand. Their mission? To dissect the labyrinthine riddles of market structure legislation and the industry’s broader prospects, all … Read more

These ancient titans, now reduced to dusty relics, watch in horror as Hyperliquid’s fees ascend to the heavens, leaving their own metrics gasping for breath. 🚀

Who could have guessed that regulated crypto assets would become the talk of the town? XRP is now the belle of the ball, with CME Group’s report for October 2025 being a veritable feast of numbers, if you can stomach the arithmetic. The third quarter? A triumph of trading volumes, open interest, and participation-because nothing says “class” like a $900 billion spree. 🤑

The People’s Bank of China (PBoC) and the Cyberspace Administration of China (CAC) – those two again – marched in like a pair of overzealous librarians and slammed the book shut on Ant Group and JD.com’s stablecoin projects. 📚 “Who has the right to make money?” they bellowed. “Us, that’s who!” 🤑 One insider whispered, “It’s all about control, innit? Can’t have private companies thinking they’re the next Emperor of Coinage.” 👑

This declaration, my dears, arrives mere weeks after the dashing Eric Adams bowed out of the race, leaving our dear Cuomo as the sole crypto-enthusiast in the running. How convenient, no? 🕶️💼

Earlier this week, LaRoque’s lamentations on YouTube went semi-viral, a tragicomedy for the ages! The poor soul had been hoarding XRP for eight long years, only to see his 1.2 million tokens vanish in a puff of binary smoke! 🌪️ “I thought I did all the things right,” he cried, a modern-day Alceste bewailing his fate. Alas, his Ellipal wallet, mistaken for a cold haven, was but a sieve connected to the internet, vulnerable as a lovestruck Dorine! “We were to retire, my wife and I, to Las Vegas, a house, a life of ease… Now? Back to the salt mines, I suppose,” he sighed, a hero undone by hubris and hackers! 🎭

Artificial Superintelligence Alliance [FET], Zcash [ZEC], Memecore [M] saw significant declines 😭. A tragedy of epic proportions.

This week promises all the drama of a reality TV show finale, minus the free drinks. Let’s unpack the chaos, shall we?