Cryptonews

If you’re here for soothing reassurances, keep scrolling. If you’re here to watch a bunch of analysts sweating over Bitcoin like it’s a Bake Off finale and they’ve just dropped their meringue, sit tight. Apparently, Bitcoin’s next big move is just around the corner—closer than your last dodgy Tinder date. Analysts are getting bullish. Or, as my therapist would say, “projecting hope onto a volatile, unknowable future.” 🙃

Look at Bitcoin—a grizzled old miner, grinning with a gap-toothed smile—staggering past $109K. The last time it approached its all-time high of $111,970, telegrams were delivered by horse and memes were painted on sheets. Yet, here it is, stumbling toward a new record. Altcoins, never ones to miss a free feast, have joined the riot: Bonk, a pup of a coin, howled to $0.00002320 in a single day, while Floki leapt up by 10%—because what is economics if not a dog race under the moon?

Betting houses such as Polymarket now calculate the odds of a spot XRP ETF being granted benediction by July 31 to be a paltry 7%. At the dawn of the month, hopefuls still sipped their kvass with a 32% measure of optimism; and in April—imagine, just months ago!—there was talk in the bathhouses of a 50% chance. Hope, as ever, prefers to torment.

The estimable Onur Erdogan—no relation, unless family reunions are measured in carats—spills the beans (or perhaps the gold nuggets) in Türkiye Today. His figures, straight from the bowels of central bank estimates, reveal a clandestine trove of bullion so immense that the Bank’s meagre $86.54 billion in official reserves and Turkish banks’ $46.26 billion in gold deposits must feel like copper coins at a sultan’s wedding.

What was once a river of fees has, according to the implacable tallymen of the blockchain, become a genteel trickle. Each day brings a more dismal sum, revealing the gradual atrophy of this Solana-fuelled house of cards. Oh, how the mighty have withered!

MEMELESS Coin is just 22 hours old (practically still burping up, bless) but it’s already grown up and gone viral—a 3,138.1% pump in one day. Suddenly, everyone’s pretending they were early. FDV: $2.05 million. Volume: $15.27 million. Transactions? Over 148,000. The liquidity’s pushing $200K, which is, frankly, more liquid than my bank account after Sunday brunch. Leaderboard who? MEMELESS owns it, darling.

The Q2 numbers are in, courtesy of SolanaFloor, and Solana’s position at the top of the revenue chart is starting to look rather familiar, like a comfortable old armchair 🛋️. Solana has just closed out its third consecutive quarter as the leading blockchain by network revenue, raking in a tidy sum of over $271 million in Q2 2025. That puts it comfortably ahead of Tron, Ethereum, and even Bitcoin, based on the latest data from Blockworks 📊.

This, at any rate, was the spirit of his address to CNBC, where, brimming with what could only be described as a Messianic fervour seasoned with just the right hint of self-interest, he announced that not only has the great journey of the tech sector only just begun, it is—one fears—a never-ending picnic. Artificial intelligence, formerly hyped only by the more excitable of TED talkers, is presently marching through the markets with all the undergraduate subtlety of a brass band.

Our hero, CZ, tossed a hyperlink (as one might toss stale breadcrumbs to ducks) to a Khaleej Times article. This withering missive decimates the moonshot claim that the UAE regulator lovingly entwined its fate with the TON blockchain, promising rolling deserts of crypto bliss and regulatory romance. No such affair. No wedding invitations. No blockchain dashing off with a Golden Visa stuck in its digital passport.

It appears that between February 2017 and June 2019, our dynamic duo spent their days cold-calling victims, peddling fake investments in cryptocurrency with all the finesse of a pair of snake oil salesmen. And, alas, their marks were not exactly the most discerning of individuals, parting with a staggering £1,541,799 (about $2,096,795) in the process. 💸