Cryptonews

In a twist worthy of a Bulgakov novel, Donald Trump, that eternal jester of geopolitics, proclaimed that his Delta Force minions had whisked away Nicolás Maduro and his consort, Cilia Flores, in a midnight raid near Caracas. The operation, as swift as a cat stealing cream, ended Maduro’s reign and sent shockwaves through the prediction markets. Polymarket traders, those modern-day soothsayers, cashed in on their long-shot bets, proving once again that in the circus of politics, the clowns often have the last laugh. 🤡💰

On December 31, 2025, Coinbase slipped a note into the hands of Argentine users-who, by the way, were busy dreaming of a crypto utopia-announcing that come January 31, 2026, their peso-to-USDC love affair would abruptly end. Yes, the grand romance was over in a blink, leaving many to ponder if this was a clever ruse, a “deliberate pause,” as they call it-or just a dramatic exit worthy of a Bolshoi ballet. 💃

Like PB&J, but messier

XRP’s 2025 price behavior is starting to look suspiciously like that oh-so-glorious period before its 2017 breakout. Just when you thought it was done reaching new heights, it took a breather-because why not, right? 😴

Honestly, the whole thing sounds a bit like someone decided to take a perfectly sensible chart and then translate it into a “clickbait-friendly” headline. The upper band on this TradingView thingy is apparently near $3.58 so, yes, a headline of “75% to $3.5” is technically…accurate. But is it meaningful? That’s the question, isn’t it?

On the big canvas of daily happenstance, Bitcoin has wriggled its way out’a a descending channel, like a crayfish fresh from the frying pan into the fire. While it’s a sprightly breakout, akin to a new pair of boots on the wrong feet, it ain’t got quite the spring in its step of a locomotive charging ahead.

The star of the show right now? The mysterious “$90,400”. Once a stubborn resistance wall, now the cozy support cushion Bitcoin can rest its digital head upon. Imagine that-resistance turned support! It’s like your ex turning into your best friend (or something along those lines). Bitcoin’s reaction to this level? Positively sunny, which is great news for the market-because nothing screams “buy me” like a healthy bounce. As long as Bitcoin doesn’t decide to go on an unplanned adventure below this magic number, the buyers-those brave souls-are still in the driver’s seat. 🚗💨

Nonetheless, he issued a caveat: the full fortress of security these advancements promise is a distant utopia, a few years away, no less- much like the hypothetical utopias often joked about by politicians. 🤷‍♂️

His X bio, that humble digital autobiography, now proudly proclaims “CTO Emeritus at Ripple,” as if to say, “I’m still here, but only in spirit (and maybe a little in the blockchain).” As a parting gift-and perhaps a clever maneuver-he accepted an invitation from the venerable Chairman Chris Larsen to grace the Ripple board, adding yet another feather to his cap of crypto exploits. 🦚

Trust Wallet, in a surprising twist of irony, advised users to “abandon the old compromised wallet, create a new wallet, and move your funds immediately.” A process as simple as changing a tire while driving, they assured us. The company’s tweet, delivered with the urgency of a telemarketer at 3 a.m., read: “We identified a limited group of ~36k wallets… All impacted users have already been directly notified via a security incident banner on your…”-a message that might have been drowned out by the sound of crickets.