Ripple CTO David Schwartz’s 2026 Bio Update: A Sarcastic Spin on Change & Scammers

His X bio, that humble digital autobiography, now proudly proclaims “CTO Emeritus at Ripple,” as if to say, “I’m still here, but only in spirit (and maybe a little in the blockchain).” As a parting gift-and perhaps a clever maneuver-he accepted an invitation from the venerable Chairman Chris Larsen to grace the Ripple board, adding yet another feather to his cap of crypto exploits. 🦚

36K Users Panic as Trust Wallet’s ‘Secure’ Browser Extension Betrays Them 😅💸

Trust Wallet, in a surprising twist of irony, advised users to “abandon the old compromised wallet, create a new wallet, and move your funds immediately.” A process as simple as changing a tire while driving, they assured us. The company’s tweet, delivered with the urgency of a telemarketer at 3 a.m., read: “We identified a limited group of ~36k wallets… All impacted users have already been directly notified via a security incident banner on your…”-a message that might have been drowned out by the sound of crickets.

Bitcoin at 17: From Pizza to Six Figures, Darling! 🍕💰

Ah, Bitcoin, born in the quietude of January 3rd, 2009, when its mysterious creator tucked a cheeky little message about bank bailouts into the first block of a brand-new blockchain. The financial system was in tatters, darling, and along came Nakamoto’s brainchild-decentralized, permissionless, and governed by code rather than those tedious committees. How utterly divine! 💻🔥

Bitcoin’s 2026 Crisis: No Breakout, Just Drama! 🐴

During this period, Exchange Netflows, that most enigmatic of phenomena, mainly stayed negative, with brief positive spikes-like a candle flickering in a storm. This suggests distribution during periods of strength and forced selling during declines, rather than sustained accumulation. One might say it’s a ballet of chaos, where every step forward is met with two steps back. 🕺

ETH’s Tightrope Walk: Will It Tumble or Triumph? 🤡💰

On the grand ol’ daily stage, ETH’s prancin’ around in a corral between $2.7k and $3.5k. It’s testin’ that $3k fence like a curious mule, but them 100 and 200-day movin’ averages are loom-in’ overhead like a couple of grumpy gatekeepers at $3.5k. They’re squeezin’ the life outta any bullish spirit, I tell ya. Unless ETH gets its act together and claims that $3.5k range, it’s about as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm. 🏠💨

XRP’s $2 Gambit: Will It Rise or Fall? 🚀💰🔥

On the daily chart, XRPUSDT doth linger near $2.00, a beggar clinging to the coat of a long-lost patron. The price, though trapped in a descending channel, now tests the upper trendline with the audacity of a drunkard challenging a tavern brawl. The 100-day and 200-day moving averages, those ancient titans, loom above at $2.30. Should XRP breach this fortress, the next target shall be $2.50-a golden dream for the hopeful!

XRP Mooning? Larry David Says “Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Good” 🚀💰

Apparently, there’s this “triangle setup” on the XRP weekly chart. A triangle! 🏔️ Because nothing says “financial advice” like a shape from geometry class. And if this “breakout” happens, XRP could hit $3.40. Big whoop. Last time I checked, my dry cleaning bill was higher than that. But sure, let’s all hold our breath.