Upon being summoned to address the venerable Senate Banking Committee (who, frankly, have never seen a digital asset they couldn’t interrogate mercilessly), Hines doubled down. He’s been calling Bitcoin “Digital Gold” since being installed as Executive Director of the President’s Council of Advisers on Digital Assets—a title that surely strains both business cards and patience at social functions.
The video game emporium, known for swapping much-loved controllers for the princely sum of tuppence, finds itself sitting on a mountain of cash—a worryingly responsible $2.7 billion, to be precise, courtesy of zero-coupon convertible senior notes. The SEC, always keen to know who’s up to what, has given a brisk nod following a $450 million “greenshoe”—which, in the language of finance, is not something you wear, but apparently buy when feeling especially bullish.
The new trick? Users can allegedly “win up to $500 worth of FUN” tokens per spin—just for hurling words into yet another Telegram group or losing a quiz to someone called CryptoDad78.
Meet Unitree G1—a humanoid robot, forged in the glittering labs of China’s Unitree, powered by the open-source daydreams of software outfit Openmind. This metallic beanpole waltzed right up and rang the opening bell at Nasdaq, because clearly not even the global stock market is safe from robots’ LinkedIn hustle.
Among XRP’s loyal proletariat, such bold prophecy plays better than vodka at a state meeting. Some clutch it like the last potato in winter saying, “Da! It is not foolish hope! This is a design! A calculated vision—scientific, even!” There’s talk of ‘velocity’ and ‘institutional adoption’—the sort of words you use when there’s no sausage but the director insists on a sumptuous feast.
Imagine: BitGo, that stolid cat—sits upon $100 billion in coins (hardly a sum for a mere piggy bank, unless your pig owns a yacht). And what of Polymarket? This merry congregation, fueled by gossip and the clinking of venture rubles, approaches the fabled Unicorn Valuation. I assure you, it’s quite the horse—with wings of speculation and the suspicious smell of burnt cabbage.
Crypto traders, by now professionally traumatized by every Powell syllable, found the message about as soothing as a lobster in a boiling pot: the next four weeks, gloriously punctuated by the 12 July CPI fête and the 19 July payrolls parade, will determine if July’s FOMC meeting offers salvation or another undignified tumble into chaos.