TradingView’s indicators are as neutral as a Swiss diplomat at a tea party. Oscillators and moving averages? They’re shrugging like, “Eh, who knows?” Short-term EMAs and SMAs crossed lower, but don’t worry-it’s just a bear in sheep’s clothing. Oversold conditions? Maybe. Rebound? Possibly. Or maybe it’s just gold taking a nap. Zzz…
Meanwhile, SBF’s own extension request? Docketed on March 19, because apparently moving from a prison with “deteriorating infrastructure” (translation: it’s falling apart) is a valid reason to delay. The Bureau of Prisons is shutting down FCI Terminal Island? Sure, why not. It’s not like they’ve been running a five-star resort there or anything.
Britain’s Companies House, a place where even the filing cabinets seem judgmental, has declared war on Zedxion Exchange Ltd. This crypto platform, which probably thinks it’s cleverer than a bag of marbles, is now on the chopping block for allegedly helping Iran’s IRGC. The government’s patience has worn thinner than a pretzel in a hurricane.
Poor platinum. It’s like the middle child of the precious metals family – always trying to impress but perpetually stuck below the $2,000 mark. Traders are now staring at a market that’s as resistant as a teenager to a bedtime. The price is consolidating below $2,000, and the metal is trading like it’s got somewhere better to be – which, let’s face it, it probably doesn’t.
Ah, the markets-a fickle mistress, indeed. Oil, that black gold, surges toward $100 a barrel, its price swinging like a pendulum in a storm. Inflation, that silent specter, looms large, whispering fears of higher interest rates and tighter purses. Meanwhile, gold and silver, those ancient refuges, tumble like fallen idols, their luster dimmed by the chaos.
The blockchain security industry is just now sounding the alarm? How novel. According to Immunefi’s annual “Oops, We Did It Again” report, Web3 lost $1.495 billion last year. That’s a 17% drop from 2023-because nothing says progress like losing less money than last year’s dumpster fire. Analysts call the improvement “misleading.” Translation: “We’re still doomed, but slower!”
A court in Estonia has decided to keep two suspects under lock and key due to their obvious proclivity for shenanigans, stemming from a whopping $1.45 million cryptocurrency investment scam. The Central Criminal Police, ever vigilant, were the ones who first decided these men needed a time-out.
In this edition, Dumpling Bullish, a most independent commentator on digital assets, opines on the burgeoning influence of bitcoin’s derivatives stack upon its price.
On a Thursday morning, as the sun cast its golden rays upon the marble halls of the Federal Reserve, the esteemed institution voted to formally release a sweeping package of proposed bank capital reforms. A 90-day public comment period was launched, during which the masses could ponder the wisdom of modestly reducing capital requirements for the largest U.S. financial institutions-and more substantially easing the burden on smaller regional banks. These proposals, previewed by the venerable Fed Vice Chair for Supervision Michelle Bowman in a March 12 speech at the Cato Institute, represent the most significant overhaul of the post-2008 bank capital framework in years. A clear victory for Wall Street, whose lobbying efforts have finally borne fruit, much like a well-tended orchard in the spring.
In a March 19 X post, the X owner and a long-time advocate of the world’s leading meme coin Dogecoin, Musk shared an AI-generated video from the parody X account Sir Doge of the Coin. The video’s budget was clearly lower than a crypto investor’s hopes.