The Department of Financial Institutions (DFI), with a flourish of emergency cease-and-desist orders, declared CoinMe’s practices “unsafe and unsound”-a phrase as damning as a Chekhovian pistol in the first act. Issued on December 1, the order reads like a tragicomic opera, complete with unclaimed vouchers and expired dreams.
Steve Gutterman will be waving his CEO flag and Sim Salzman will be balancing the books as CFO once the merger finally shakes hands and says, “Let’s do this,” expected by a hopeful first quarter of 2026. These gentlemen, with resumes listing everything from restructuring Gryphon to navigating the wild frontiers of Bitcoin and American Bitcoin (sounds like a superhero team), are ready to dive into the deep end of crypto absurdity. They’ve even had roles at E*TRADE, just in case you thought they might lack experience in the “total chaos” department.
What’s his evidence? It’s all in the glorious world of on-chain metrics and CryptoQuant’s MSTR “price bands” – a sort of oracle for stock valuation, if you will. Alemán asserts that MSTR is currently deep in its historical undervaluation zone. Basically, it’s like buying a luxury yacht at the price of a dinghy, and we’re all missing it. 🙄
As much as the bears are licking their chops, there’s one thing they can’t ignore: the chart is hinting that it might not all be doom and gloom. But really, who wants to bet on a unicorn in this market?
The mere fact that crypto ETPs managed to pull in $1 billion last week is a miracle, considering the previous four weeks had siphoned off $5.7 billion. A miracle, indeed. 🤞
Supporters cheer, “Huzzah! Legal clarity and programmable money for all!” 🎉 But critics, those pesky naysayers, whisper darkly: “Could this turn stablecoin issuers into unwitting buyers of US debt?” 🤔 Shanaka Anslem Perera, the Sherlock Holmes of finance, declares, “Every digital dollar minted is a sly purchase of US sovereign debt!” 🕵️‍♂️💸
And here’s the kicker: this wasn’t a one-time fling. The same wallet, a true crypto nomad, sent batches of 30-40 billion SHIB to various destinations like a digital postal service gone rogue. 🚀 What’s next? A blockchain version of “Where’s Waldo?” 🤔
Will this positive news save the declining on-chain activity and price action that seem to be taking a downward spiral? Well, if you believe in magic, maybe. If you believe in the SEC approving things without reading the fine print, definitely.
Let’s be real: ETH’s “corrective phase” is just a fancy term for “we told you it was a bad idea.” The support levels? They’re basically the market’s last hope, which is code for “good luck, you’ll need it.” Critical decision point? More like “run while you still can.”
Bitcoin’s latest Sunday Slam was a 5% plunge with $500M in liquidations. Leverage? More like “leverage-age of extinction”! 🦖💸 Longs turned into shorts faster than a Mel Brooks punchline.
