Cryptonews

Bitcoin, our brooding digital monarch, has bowed from its lofty throne of $90K+ to a meek $86,744-a fall of over 4% in the past day. One almost hears the faint sound of margin calls being answered in tears. Its market cap, now lounging near $1.73 trillion, watches the chaos with the detached amusement of a bored aristocrat. Ethereum? Alas, our ethereal poet of smart contracts, has slunk down to $2,841, tacking on a 5% weekly decline like a trench coat in winter. And XRP-the eternally hopeful, perpetually sued court jester-slips to $2.06 after shedding more than 6% like an overfed snake discarding skin. 🐍💸

Now, don’t go thinking it’s been all smooth sailing and champagne cocktails. Oh no, there’ve been more ups and downs than a game of tennis at Queen’s. After hitting 14.6% in early 2022, the ratio took a header, plunging to 5.4% by September of that year. It then pottered about like a lost tourist in Piccadilly Circus until the end of 2024. 🌀

Ethereum’s prodigal son, Vitalik Buterin, has once again donned his intellectual top hat to warn Zcash against the seductive waltz of token-based governance. In a November 30, 2025, social media missive, he declared that entrusting decisions to the “median token holder” could turn Zcash into a playground for the wealthy-a dystopia where privacy becomes a subscription service. “Token voting is subpar,” he sniffed, “and I’ve seen worse at a Parisian café.”

Two figures, Qiao Wang and Haseeb Qureshi, have stepped onto the stage this week, their words clashing like swords in a duel of ideologies. Their exchange reveals a philosophical chasm that may well dictate the fate of token investments henceforth.

Texas, that rebellious cowboy state, boldly steps into the digital rodeo, snagging its very first Bitcoin for the treasury-because what’s more patriotic than a bitcoiner with a cowboy hat? Meanwhile, Crypto Dispensers contemplates dumping a cool $100 million-probably to buy a beachfront bunker-after being accused of laundering enough money to buy a small country, or at least a really fancy yacht. Not to be outdone, Ohio’s finest proposed a bold idea: paying taxes in Bitcoin, turning Uncle Sam into the world’s richest crypto custodian, with a sprinkle of conspiracy sauce on top. 🤠💸

So, it seems the usually grumpy Coinbase Bitcoin Premium Index has finally fluffed up its pillows and said, “Let’s get back to buying, shall we?” According to Coinglass data, this is a refreshing change after nearly a month of negativity. Basically, US traders are signalling to the world that they’re ready to stop selling and start buying again-because who doesn’t love a good comeback story? 🤷‍♀️

Through bull markets that roared like lions and bear markets that whimpered like damp kittens, Tether’s USDT has stood firm, pegged to the dollar with the tenacity of a society hostess to her tiara. Even as charlatans like Sam Bankman-Fried and Alex Mashinsky slunk offstage, Tether remained, amassing profits that would make Goldman Sachs blush. Ten billion dollars in nine months? Darling, that’s not just success-it’s a triumph of audacity. 🎩✨

Suleimenov, ever the pragmatist, reveals that the bank has already carved out a portfolio for high-tech stocks and digital trinkets. A modern man, indeed, though one wonders if he’s merely chasing the ghost of progress. 👻

Traders are watching whether the coin can build on its recovery or if the consolidation near local highs is setting the stage for a retracement. 🧠 (Because who doesn’t love a good rollercoaster? 🎢)

But mind you, this ain’t his morning coffee policy-it’s last-ditch heroics. “I wouldn’t want to be the clown sellin’ the family jewels,” he waved, “though let’s hope emotions don’t run wild when the market’s a hot-blooded coyote.” His game? Rake in capital when shares rise like a prairie fire and fatten up Bitcoin hoards per share. “When the gravy train derails, sellin’ a shingle here and there to keep the roast beef roarin’ is a sport shareholders can clink their root beer mugs to… unless dilution tastes like sawdust.” 🍺