This firm, SAX LLP – a real snappy name, I gotta say – apparently had some…unauthorized access. Unauthorized! Like they invited them in? What is this, an open door policy for cybercriminals? They’re an accounting firm, for crying out loud. You’d think they’d be good with numbers, with security, with… something!
The Altcoin Season Index, masterful in its matchmaking prowess of altcoins and Bitcoin, has inexplicably dipped to a 15. Welcome to the lowest this year, darling! It seems most altcoins have decided to exhibit a rare melancholy, persistently haunting the red figures. 💼💔
Ripple (XRP) token hit $1.8485 on Saturday, down by ~50% from its yearly high. That’s $50 billion in valuation gone-poof! Like a magician who forgot the trick. 🎩🪄💨
Once upon a cold December, Senate leaders decided to play twister with the fiscal year. Rather than grueling over the keys to the kingdom-the funding package-they bowed out, leaving the halls of Congress in a state of delightful suspense. Weeks of high-stakes negotiations crumbled, like a layer cake left out in the snow, unable to secure enough consensus or navigate the thrilling labyrinth of committee resistance. Thus, Congress departed for holiday cheer with just enough funding to last through Bach’s Christmas Oratorio, if any drunk Santa had kept the lights on. 🎄
This whole thing looks familiar, like a rerun of a very boring TV show. But hold the phone! Ethereum… Ethereum might be trying to pull a fast one! Possibly.
Let’s all pause to weep into our wallets as Solflare, that trusty Solana purse you never asked for, announces it’s now a one-stop shop for all your speculative sins. 🙏 Predictions for real-world events? How bold. As if the world wasn’t chaotic enough, now we can all lose sleep over whether the next presidential debate will end in a punch-up.
Ethereum (ETH) is in its “thinking phase,” hovering just below $3,000 like a teenager contemplating whether to text their ex. 💭 Instead of crashing and burning after being rejected more times than a bad Tinder profile, ETH is compressing. Is this the crypto version of “I’m fine, really”? 🤔
In a world where truth is as rare as a sober troll, Vitalik hath praised Grok, the AI chatbot spawned by X, for its ability to make the platform slightly less of a fact-free zone. He doth proclaim that the ease of summoning Grok, like a digital genie from a silicon lamp, is its most magical feature. 🧞♂️
Shiba Inu has proven to be surprisingly strong in the futures markets. The meme token beat Bitcoin and XRP in the daily growth rates. Such a shift represents a major shift in trader sentiment. 🤯📈
As we gaze into the crystal ball of 2026, Ethereum has ambitious designs to build upon its already sparkling progress, rolling out the Glamsterdam fork and the Heze-Bogota upgrades-names that sound suspiciously like trendy coffee shops in Brooklyn.