Coinbase Bets $150M on Bitcoin—Are They Simply Throwing a Ball, or Hunting a Fox?

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Though the magnitude of the expenditure might lead one to expect drama worthy of a novel, Mr. Armstrong—our good-humoured CEO—was swift to assure assembled listeners that no such feverish transformation has occurred at Coinbase. No wild-eyed obsession à la MicroStrategy (NASDAQ: $MSTR), which has turned Bitcoin-hoarding into a personal identity and, perhaps, a marital dowry. 😂

Upon addressing shareholders during the Q1 2025 earnings call (a gathering rather less lively than a country ball), Mr. Armstrong likened the purchase to storing flour in the larder—wholly sensible, if utterly devoid of romance. Coinbase, he declared, is simply placing faith in the crypto sector in much the manner Mrs. Bennet placed faith in her nerves: with habitual fervour but without rewriting the family fortune. No attempt, therefore, to reinvent the agency as a citadel of Satoshian stockpiling; merely, as the English would say, keeping one’s house in order.

At present, Bitcoin constitutes a respectable 25% of Coinbase’s net cash—enough, perhaps, to settle a few debts at Pemberley, but not quite enough to alarm the neighbours. Mr. Armstrong, ever the pragmatic suitor, insisted the move demonstrates confidence in the industry and not a reckless marriage proposal to Bitcoin’s fortunes. Yet, alas! Coinbase shares have exhibited more volatility than Lydia Bennet at a regimental ball, down 23% so far this year, and presently waltzing at $199.32 a share. 💃📉

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2025-05-12 19:21