Crypto Bros Wake Up to Empty Wallets as Secret Service Goes Full Liam Neeson

Somewhere in the US government’s lair, agents just hit CTRL+C on over $225 million in crypto that’s about as legit as your cousin’s MLM pitch.

Secret Service, FBI: Now Accepting Crypto Tips and Anxiously Refreshing Coinbase

If you thought your last break-up was messy, imagine the U.S. Attorney’s Office for D.C. (yes, capital letters are *important to them*) filing a juicy complaint on June 18, 2025, alleging serious blockchain breakup drama. Turns out $225 million in crypto was just ghosted by its scammy owner. Ouch.

The Secret Service and FBI didn’t just wear sunglasses and look cool. They did what every nosy friend does: stalked the blockchain, tracked down every digital breadcrumb, and discovered a laundering ring so convoluted you’d think it was a plot twist in a bad Netflix series. Hundreds of thousands of transactions. Countless wallets. So many bad passwords, probably. 🕵️‍♀️

Apparently, dozens of people in the U.S. (and 400+ worldwide—seriously, there are WhatsApp groups smaller than this victim list) thought, “I’m going to invest and become crypto-rich.” Instead, their wallets became even emptier than my fridge after a weekend. Sorry, folks, your ‘legit’ investments went on a magical disappearing trick. 🪄

US Attorney Jeanine Ferris Pirro said the goal is to “rip” funds away from the baddies and “make victims whole.” I mean, who wouldn’t want their money back? Matthew Galeotti from the DOJ sounded just as thrilled, reminding us all that Americans are losing billions every year to cyber Houdinis. (If only we could lose weight that fast.)

Special Agent Shawn Bradstreet (who totally sounds like an action figure) practically high-fived himself: “Biggest crypto seizure ever!” FBI’s Sanjay Virmani added that it’s not all about the Benjamins—the heartbreak is real, people. Both agencies stressed that teamwork makes the dream work (*cue the buddy cop montage*).

FBI’s 2024 Internet Crime Report (which, let’s be honest, is probably longer than your holiday reading list) claims crypto investment scams drained $5.8 billion last year. The Secret Service, FBI San Francisco (shout out to those hills), and even Tether all jumped on board. It’s a crypto whodunit for the ages—minus Daniel Craig’s accent.

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2025-06-18 23:27